A Frozen Soul
by Jane Opries
Summary: After 50 years, she fell from the body of a titan that been her prison. She lost her husband and family. She killed innocent people. Now she is government property and placed under the watch of the Survey Corps. Adapting back into human life is not as easy as it seems, especially when you don't have the will to live. Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Hola readers! This is seriously just some junk that has been in my head a while and I thought, why the hell not. This will go along with the plot of the manga, though I do not know where the titans come from so I am making it up. This may be a side track to the manga, I guess you could say. Any way, just bare with me because I am pulling this mostly out of my ass.**

**If there are any mistakes, I apologize in advance and please, let me know. If you could leave a review and let me know how you like it, I would greatly appreciate it. I know it is a little different, but bare with me!**

**I will also be doing songs that I listened to while writing. Those who have been reading my other story, What You Deserve, may know that I am a huge Ellie Goulding fan. I will not apologize.**

**Though this first chapter is definitely belonging to the great Florence and the Machine - What the Water Gave Me.**

**I do not own Attack on Titan or any of its characters. I only own my OC. **

* * *

It had to be a nightmare. There was no other way to explain what was happening. They were surrounded by titans, their commander was injured and out of sight. The Armoured Titan was throwing more their way and Ymir had turned to help the traitors escape. But then...then Eren's secret weapon was revealed. He could control the titans. They turned against the Armoured Titan and the others. They were able to make their escape, but then something even stranger happened. A girl appeared.

Appearing from the body of an evaporating body of a titan, the girl's naked body was hot with fever and she was unconscious. Her shoulder length waves flowed in the breeze and her creamy skin had angry red marks from where her body was attached to the titan body. What they evaluated of her is that she was not like the other shifters. Her legs had been attached to the titan body completely and when the tissue evaporated, her human legs appeared. She was covered and secured for the trip back to the wall.

The fear she instilled in their people was nothing they were prepared for.

* * *

_She could feel his fingers against her scalp, his breath in her ear. "Come back to me."_

_She smiled softly and the soft light flowing into their room was gently stroking them. She sighed in content. Her husband worried about her. His new position took him out of the field and her position in the Survey Corps made it nearly impossible for him to watch out for her. She sighed and shook her head. "Darius, you are being paranoid. I am only going to the wall for a couple of hours."_

_"Things happen Ava, no matter how small the mission. Please remember that." His stern eyes evaluated her and she stared back in defiance with her wide and heavily lashed ones._

_She cupped his face and brought him closer to her. "You know I will."_

* * *

It was cold. So cold. And she could hear voices around her. The smell...she had smelt it before...a long time ago. A long time ago? She was only 23 and she had been in the Research department. And they brought people to places like these..

"Her eyes are moving under her lids. She's waking up."

She didn't recognize any of those voices. Where was her squad leader? Her eyes flew open and air hit her like a wave, making her gasp and arch her back in surprise. She was chained to the table and the candle light around her was dim and eerie. She frantically looked around for a familiar face to explain what happened. Things about these people made her think that she wasn't being regarded as a friendly face. Her mouth was dry, but there was an awful taste in it. Like blood.

"Hello. Do you know your name?" A strange person with glasses and unruly hair in a pony tail up on their head asked her in a friendly tone. The person's face was friendly enough, but those behind her had frightened eyes and their bodies were tense. "Do you know where we are?"

Ava stared at her in confusion. Did she know who she was? Did she know where she was? "That is an idiotic question. Where is the squad leader for the Research department?" Ava looked around for the face of the man she was talking about, but she didn't see him. Her brow knitted in worry.

"Ah, well, that would be me, but I don't think I am who you are looking for. Tell me, how long were you a titan?" The strange person asked again.

Ava stared at her in horror. What did she just say? Bile rose into her throat and the sickening feeling in her gut worsened. "Excuse me?"

The person smiled and sat in a chair close to her. A man behind her protested to this 'irresponsible' behavior. "I am Hange Zoe. Squad leader to the Research department of the Survey Corps. You came from a body of a titan and was partly formed to it. What was your last memory? Where you a solider?"

The need to vomit came very suddenly, but there was nothing in her stomach, resulting in dry heaves. She was a titan. _How many innocent people did I kill? How many did I swallow just for the hell of it? I'm a monster..._But what was her last memory? She knew that she needed to answer these questions of she would become the experiment that used to be her victims. She was able to calm herself and she clenched her eyes shut. "What year is it?"

Hange tilted her head to the side, a curious, yet understanding look coming upon her face. "858."

50 years. She felt a strangled cry come from her throat. Her mother, her sisters, her husband...where they all dead? Her mother and eldest sister she was sure, but her little sister Hattie and her husband, they must be very old and retired now. "50 years. I was gone 50 years. How..?" She croaked. "How is that possible? I...I want my husband. Please, tell me he isn't dead, please." She was begging and her legs where shaking against the chains holding them down.

Hange's face saddened and she patted Ava's leg. "We don't know who he is. Can you tell us your name?"

"Ava. Ava Zackly."

* * *

Word spread quickly from there. Erwin and Levi had read the reports and commander Pixis joined their meeting to read with them. It was astounding. How was this possible? And the girl's name had floored all 3 men. Zackly. When asked the name of her husband, she had declared that she was the wife of Darius Zackly. Levi called horse shit, but commander Pixis stared at the report with widened eyes.

"No." He stated calmly. "That information is correct. Ava Zachly was part of the earlier days of the Survey Corp's Research department. She was a very fine solider. She disappeared over 50 years ago and the picture-" He flipped the page to look one more time. "Is of her. This is indeed the wife of our beloved commander-in-chief, Darius Zachly. He was promoted the week before her disappearance."

Erwin sat there, casually flipping through Hange's report. The girl had been compliant, she said, but obviously perturbed and physically sick about what Hange had told her. He let a low hum rumble in his chest and looked at Levi. "Have you seen her yet?"

The detached eyes watched Erwin's face before they flicked to the papers. "Briefly. She seemed like a normal human being, except the fact she was heaving like a damn cat with a hair ball."

Erwin hummed again. Commander Pixis furrowed his brows. "Does the commander-in-chief know of this?"

Levi leaned back into his chair. "We sent a messenger over a half hour ago. It would not surprise me if we are blessed with his presence."

Erwin stared at the picture of the girl. The hallow look in her eyes and the way her mouth hung open in horror struck him. Her hair had a lovely wave to it that fell to her shoulders in dark shades and her eyes where sultry. She was described as being slightly shorter than Levi and with a very athletic body. She recalled that she was a solider and her squad leader had been some one that was documented to have lived over 50 years ago. Darius Zachly was named a widower and re-married, only to be widowed again 5 years ago. He had 2 children and an assortment of grandchildren. Ava had no idea of this when told, but had seemed heartbroken over the news.

"I am afraid this might cause an issue with our earlier plans." Erwin said calmly, yet his eyes were hard. "Will the commander-in-chief be able to carry out what was promised?"

Commander Pixis nodded. "Zachly is very reliable. His personal life has never affected his work or his need to protect humanity's best interest. This will be no different. If we do see him, I will be surprised. He is a busy man and work comes first."

"Yeah, but it is not everyday does your dead wife come back from the dead and demand you to come to her. Not only that, but he is an old man. Having your attractive young wife back is something you don't want to miss." Levi said with not hint of emotion, though Erwin could tell he was slightly annoyed. Levi didn't want to relay the message. They needed everyone in their right minds to carry out this overturn of the government.

"No matter. We can trust in Zachly to be there when we need him. To be more accurate, when humanity needs him. This is a serious matter, of course, but this will be handled by the Research department until further notice. If anything, this situation might be in our favor." Commander Pixis said with a slight smile. Erwin and Levi kept their eyes on him as he continued. "She might be able to tell us where or how the titans came to be."

* * *

Darius Zachly stared out the window of his office. The Capitol was bustling with news of the girl pulled from the titan. More interestingly was the name of the girl. Ah, his Ava. She always had terrible timing to do these things. He sighed, pulling off his glasses and rubbing the flesh between his eyes. 50 years. He had missed her.

He remembered the day of when he told her to be careful, even though she was just going to the wall. She and her squad all disappeared that day, leaving no evidence behind of the their existence. When he was told that she wouldn't be coming home, he had accepted it with little resistance, but then the nights tortured him. When he remarried, he found it hard to love another woman like he had Ava. He some how was able to have children with his new wife and continued on living, throwing his life into his work. That was how he had coped the last 50 years.

She hadn't aged and she was stricken with grief over the news that she had been a titan and had taken human lives. She had asked to see him, even when she was told that he was an old man and no longer the man she had married, she still wanted him. She was frozen in time. She was supposed to be the one who had grown old with him, bared him children, stood strong by him in all his battles. But she had vanished as if she never existed.

He looked back up to the window, seeing his reflection. Yes, he was an old man now. She wouldn't know him.

"I'm sorry sir, but I didn't hear your answer." Hange asked behind him, still waiting for his answer if he was going to visit the 'titan girl'.

He let out a long sigh and turned around. "Squad leader Hange, tell me, is she well?"

Hange's lips thinned and her brows furrowed slightly. "Physically, I am amazed by her, but mentally and emotionally, she is very unstable. She has refused to eat since she has woken and her memories of being a titan are coming to her, making her very...well the easiest term to say this is insane."

He wanted to chuckle. She didn't need those memories to be insane. She was naturally, he always thought. "I see. And do you think it is wise for her to see me?"

Hange hung her head in thought and he began to think that she was sad for the girl, until she spoke. "I am not worried about her, sir. How it will affect you is what bothers me."

He sat back into his chair, looking at her with level eyes. "Your concern is noted, but that is not my concern."

Hange meet his gaze and nodded in understanding. "Then I think you should conduct an interview with the titan girl, sir. She will respond to you better. I may also add, that she will stay on course better, since her constant asking for you is what is stalling us on receiving vital information about the titans. Further more, it might have some emotional healing."

He stood up, pushing his sleeves up his arms more, his neutral mask turning slightly angry looking. "Then take me to her."

* * *

**Good? Yes? No?**

**I have more saved and ready to post if you like it, just review and let me know!**

**Thanks for the read, you little loverly. Those who are reading What You Deserve, I did not give up on the story! I just keep reading the manga and it has screwed up all my plans for it...that's what I get for writing with it...**

**-Jane**


	2. Chapter 2

**So I am just chillaxing here, eating pickled asparagus, wondering: Who am I going to have Ava paired off with? We all know that she was the wife of Zachly, but I am obviously not having her stay with him. That would be creepy...so I was like, "You know what would be the bomb? My readers telling me!" So here is the scoop my peepsicles: I want to know if you think this would be a OCxLevi, OCxErwin, or OCxOther Canon Character. I am open to yuri, if you all can think of it. If you don't want her paired, that's cool too, just let me know, a'ight?**

**Song of that inspired this chapter: Elastic Heart - Sia.**

**Damn good song.**

* * *

Erwin watched as Zachly sit outside of the jail cell that Ava was being held in. He had yet to say anything and the girl didn't look up at them. Levi was slightly annoyed by her messy appearance, but then again, he was more disturbed by the self-inflicted gashes on her arms. She had to be chained against the wall to prevent any more self harm. Zachly seemed slightly angry by this.

"You must be Ava." Levi said in a casual tone. "Am I right or you some human eating monster?"

Erwin casted him a warning glance, but Darius didn't seem swayed by the question. The girl in the jail cell had his undivided attention.

"You are fucking old, Darius. What the hell did you go and do that for?" She laughed in the most sickening way and Levi's eye twitched at her shrug of his question.

"So, you do know me." Darius let his chin rest on his fist. "I was wondering if you were really in there."

The girl looked up with half lidded eyes, her lashes giving her a seductive look. "It's been a while, huh? I'm sorry about that."

Darius stared at her as she stared at him, as if not believing the old man on the other side of the bars was the man she had married and loved. His eyes didn't hold the same life and his body wasn't lively with the fight for humanity, though she could still sense it was there. "Yes, well, I should be the one apologizing. Are they treating you decently?"

She seemed amused by the question, but closed her eyes and smiled. "Hmph. Yeah. They got pissed at me when I went all bat shit crazy and tried to tear off my skin. I was hallucinating, so I guess they think I went off the deep end." She opened her eyes. "I didn't mean too."

He nodded once and kept studying her. She was the same, feisty and slightly crude. But beautiful, oh so beautiful and he wished he was young again. "I understand. Please, do not think you have to be so mild. I know you well enough."

She smiled sadly and Erwin noticed tears beginning to streak down her face. "I guess this means that I'm not your's any more, huh?" She swallowed thickly and blinked her tears back. "I heard you got re-married and had kids. I don't blame you. How many?"

"2. Both sons. They are both in the Garrison Regiment."

She let out a bitter laugh. "That figures. Yeah, I couldn't see you with a daughter." She hung her head again.

"I am sorry, Ava. I don't think you want an old man and I would feel wrong." He said gently. There was no way about this.

She nodded her head and whispered a 'I know'. They sat silently for a few minutes. She noticed the two beside him and looked at them with empty eyes. "Erwin Smith and Levi Rivalle? Uh, Darius, using 2 injured soldiers as your body-guard is kind of careless of you."

Darius chuckled lightly and Levi sneered. He wasn't liking this girl. "They didn't come to protect me." Darius explained and Erwin's face became more serious.

"Ah. Hehe, okay. Yeah, they want to know more. Listen, I told them what I know and I can't stomach any more, so please do me a favor and don't question me." She sent an annoyed glance at Levi, who was returning it with his own. "That short shit is pissing me off."

"Same." He mumbled. "I would like to point out that you are smaller than me, so piss off." She seemed to enjoy that banter and he became confused. Then again, after some thought, it might be that she enjoyed not being feared and treated like a titan.

"Leave the arguing for later. They are also not here for questioning." Darius stood. "But, you are right, we all want to know more."

She smiled sadly at him and her gaze softened. She still loved him, gray hair and all, but he was right, their time had come and gone and the circumstance she was under was also a problem. She wasn't sure she could be intimate with him any more, between his age and remembering the faces of those she devoured. "I'm sorry, I don't remember any more at the moment. I'll report to Hange as soon as I do."

That answer was satisfactory for Erwin. He stepped forward. "You know how corrupt our government it. You know they do not care for humanity. We need your help. The question is, are you willing?"

She seemed upset by the question. "You want to let me out of here? Are you kidding me? No. No, I won't leave this cell. I am a threat. I know where I am and if I leave people will panic and there will be too much public outrage. I need to stay here. You don't know..." She kept herself from heaving again. "You don't know how much pain, torment I feel. Those poor people." She choked on her last words and shook her head. "You should just kill me!"

The 3 men stood there shocked. Every titan shifter they had come across seemed to have wanted to help one side or the other. Even Ymir wanted to help. But Ava...she just wanted to die, not to continue for some cause. Darius frowned. "That is not something we are considering."

"You should be. I killed your comrades, I ate innocent, innocent people fighting for their lives. I ate some one's son or daughter. I killed mothers and fathers. I _deserve _to die. Don't you understand? I am worthy of death." She pleaded with him and her eyes became frantic. He didn't show it, but this caused fear to stir into his heart. She was a strong girl, who fought relentlessly against the titans. She was now begging them to kill her to punish her. This was not the woman he remembered.

"Ava." He said in a stern tone. "It is not an option. You are government property and officially under protection of the Survey Corps. Your death would be an inconvenience. Do you understand?"

She stared at him with disbelief, before the empty look slid over her face. "Sir."

"Then you will do as they say. Erwin is passing the command down to Hange. I am placing you under her care and with Levi. Erwin is responsible as well. Do I make myself clear?" He bore his eyes into hers and she seemed to float farther and farther away from him.

"Sir." Was all she said.

"Very well then. I must get back to my work. See to it that she is fed and cleaned up. I want her treated as a solider and not a word to those out side of the Survey Corps." He turned toward Erwin and Levi. "I am trusting you both with something dear."

* * *

She stared at the soup. It was brown with dumplings floating in it. She felt like vomiting just at the sight.

Other's from her assigned squad sat at the table with her. A girl named Mikasa looked at her with dangerous eyes and Ava wanted to toss the loaf of bread at her. Those thoughts died down quickly when she lost all wanton to bring more attention to herself.

She shifted a little uncomfortably in her clothes. They weren't a uniform, but they were praticale for fighting and using 3DMG. Her peach colored shirt had a scoop neck and longer sleeves that she pushed up to her elbows, so that they wouldn't be in the way. Her tan pants were tucked into brown leather boots that were similar to the kind that came with the uniforms. Darius had sent these clothes. They had been her's a long time ago.

"So...you're 23?" A bald boy in peasant clothing asked timidly, trying to talk to her. They must be desensitized to the fact that she once was a titan. The boy next to Mikasa was explained to be able to transform into one when he chose to. Ava had spent the past several days in her bunk reading the report given to her about her new comrades. The bald one was Connie.

She nodded once. She gave up on talking. She didn't feel like she deserved a voice any more. Connie seemed pleased that she responded to his question and perked up slightly. "Well, other than good ol' captain over there, that makes you the oldest one." He said as if any one cared. She just nodded.

Mikasa stared at her and she felt herself returning the glare slightly. Between her and the captain, she didn't know which one she wanted to smack more. The captain was just annoying with his cleaning habits and slightly stoic personality. She almost smacked him with the broom, but she dismissed the thought when she knew that the punishment would be scrubbing the toilets.

"If you're a shifter like Eren, you could so vital to this squad. It's mind-blowing." The long faced boy named Jean said and she took a deep breath to steady her nerves.

"I thought I made it clear." Levi spoke up over his tea-cup. "She is not a shifter and she is never going to be one. So stop staring at her like she is going to be our next savior."

Jean seemed upset by the words, but kept it to himself, returning to his meal. Eren also didn't like what the captain had to say, but his eyes didn't leave her.

The girl to Ava's right was mauling her loaf of bread. _That must be Sasha_. She thought with some amusement. Once a researcher, always a researcher, her squad leader used to tell her. It was funny because it was true. She was observing the way the girl ate her food like she was going to starve or it would disappear and how thin she was despite the vast amount of food she was consuming._ How interesting. High metabolism. _She turned back to her own food and pushed it towards the girl, almost like a peace-offering. Really, Ava wanted to see how much the girl could gobble before she hurled.

"Oh, wow! Thank you! Can I have your tea too?" Ava smiled sweetly and handed the cup over, feeling a slight satisfaction when the girl gulped it down. _Any moment now, you are going to get a stomach ache. _

To her disappointment, by the end of the meal, Sasha wasn't even full, to her amazement. Though she enjoyed her slightly morbid experiment. She was also grateful because she knew who the captain would put in charge of cleaning up the vomit. Still the satisfaction was there.

She sat in her bunk, her slender fingers entangled in the dark waves as she tried to calm her thoughts. Tonight her mind wandered to her past. Her _former _husband. Even thinking it made her heart clinch in pain and her breathing almost halt. It was so cruel, this world.

She remembered how he used to look. Though he wasn't as tall as the other men, his demeanor made him larger than he was built. Back then he was so strong and his body was fit. His hair was dark, pushed out of his eyes, but not as long as he had it now. And his face wasn't covered in facial hair. No, then he had a sculpted face that she had seen on the statues in the Capitol. She smiled when she remembered the way he used to reach for her, his strong, masculine hands running down her curves.

_Fuck. _She felt the tears threaten her again and she turned her head so the other girls she had to bunk with didn't see. She needed to sleep, since tomorrow she would be training with the others. Levi wanted to see her skills since she was proclaimed to be a 'top class' solider in her days.

_Those days are done. I wish I was dead. It would be easier than this hell. _She thought about killing herself, but then she realized that Darius would never forgive her and for some reason, that hurt her more than living.

_Tomorrow is another day._

* * *

"Jaeger, you have to be fucking kidding me. Pay attention!" Levi barked at the boy on the ground.

To be fair, he was paired with Mikasa, who was a superior fighter, Ava noted silently. She stood next to the captain, observing her squad members sparring each other. She set her jaw in protest. Jaeger, or Eren, was actually a great solider. But he wasn't getting the help he needed to help him achieve, what she thought, was his full potential. It was utterly frustrating.

When she was with her old squad, she helped her squad leader train the new recruits. She had helped them improve by pointing out their flaws in their stances, timing, etc. She didn't like how the short captain was treating the boy instead of helping him.

"-widen his stance..." She murmured softly and bit her finger, unaware she had said anything out loud.

Levi's eyes glanced at her sideways and his lips hardened. "What's your problem?"

His voice made her jump, making her realize how in tuned she was to observing the issue. She stared at him with wide eyes and then blinked. "Sir, his stance, he needs to widen it. He is shuffling."

"Tch." He looked away from her. "Then tell him that, moron." He said with that irritating, passive voice of his. Did he even care about anything? She bit the inside of her cheek.

She wasn't sure if she should say anything to the boy. She wanted to avoid interacting with them as much as possible, though, it didn't seem like the feeling was mutual. But at the same time, she didn't know if she could take watching Eren be brutally thrown to the ground every time.

"Eren." She at least kept her voice from cracking. She left the captain's side and helped the boy from the ground, seeing the defeated look on his face. She admired his spirit and determination.

He looked at her surprised, but took her help. She stood next to him in the stance that they were practicing. Mikasa didn't seem too happy about Ava being so close to her 'brother'. "You have your feet to close together, so you shuffle, causing you to be slow and your reaction time undesirable." She brought her leg up as if to kick at Mikasa. "It also it throwing off your balance. See how I can just stand here like this? You shake when you lift your leg. She can see that."

He was fascinated by her words and Mikasa seemed unsure of how to take the girl's constructive criticism towards Eren. Ava put her foot down and nodded at Eren to follow her example. The other's from the squad watched with interest as Ava showed Eren how to properly stand, almost as if they were taking notes.

"Okay." Eren nodded, seeing the difference in his movements. "I think I got this."

Ava blinked rapidly and moved out of the way so they could continue. The pair started over and Eren lasted longer than before, but still was defeated. Levi almost seemed please at the slight improvement and Ava felt a bit of satisfaction that he was showing something more than distaste. She took her place next to him again, watching as Connie and Jean tried their hands at getting each other down. To her surprise, their stances also improved, as if they were listening to her.

"Maybe you aren't totally useless." Levi said next to her and she sent him a worried glance. She didn't want to be useful, either.

"Alright! That is your dinner, Sasha!" Connie yelled in victory over the defeated Jean. The said girl groaned and fell to her knees. It concerned Ava that Sasha loved food that much. It was borderline weird. Though she didn't get what she was worried about. Sasha would end up getting Ava's food any way.

Jean groaned and looked at Ava, rubbing the side of his head. "What did I do wrong?"

She was surprised he was asking her instead of his captain, but at the same time, the captain wasn't a very personable fellow. "Uh, ask Mikasa." She fumbled over her words, blushing slightly at the attention.

"You seem to be the professional that the older veterans tell us you are." Levi turned his head towards her. He nodded at Jean. "Go ahead, tell him what he did wrong."

She frowned. Was he telling her to help them after all? She helped Eren because it was painful watching him be tossed around like a clump of dirt, but she didn't want to take over the drill herself. She decided it was best not to go against the captain. "You're too relaxed."

Ava laid on the ground in the sun. She was put in charge of lunch and Levi decided to keep everyone outside so that they could do some clean up around the little shack. She was able to keep part of a sandwich down and some water, but she passed it on to Sasha after a while. She couldn't stomach any more.

The squad seemed to be in a better mood since their drill this morning. Their slight improvements had made some of them score higher in ranking. They were thankful to Ava for the help, but she still noticed that Mikasa had something to get off her chest. She tried to ignore it.

"Armin, you are just better at strategy and all that smart stuff. That is what we rely on you for, ya know. You're really smart." Eren said encouraging words to Armin, who still had yet to win a match against any one. But his friend was right. His genius was something to be proud of.

"Thanks Eren." The blonde sighed softly and rested his cheek against his palm.

Levi was under a tree, an arm propped up on his knee as he watched his subordinates. He kept looking between Ava and Mikasa, as if sensing the tension between the 2.

Historia was watching Eren and Armin with strange eyes. Ava was pretty sure she wasn't a huge fan of the girl, but at least she was honest and kind.

Ava stood and dusted her pants, preparing to clean up the mess. She knew Levi would tell her too any way.

"Hey."

She looked up to see Mikasa standing with her arms crossed, a glare set on Ava. Ava stood up and frowned at the girl. Mikasa's eyes narrowed. "So, if you can teach everyone else to fight, can you really fight yourself?"

Ava seemed taken aback by the question and she noticed that the squad was staring at them with nervous and curious eyes. She nodded slightly. "Then fight me."

Ava looked at Levi, hoping he would smash the girl's challenge. The man though, seemed to want to see what she would do. This made Ava angry.

She shook her head at Mikasa, turning down the challenge. She turned to walk towards the shack when she heard the sound of feet against the ground. Ava turn on her heals in time to dodge a punch from Mikasa. Mikasa grunted and caught her bearings, holding up her fist.

"I don't want to fight." Ava stood with her arms by her side, though her feet where spread in a defensive way.

"I didn't ask you if you wanted to. I told you to fight me." Mikasa advanced on her and Ava moved back, dodging down and swinging her leg out to trip the taller girl. Mikasa jumped and aimed for Ava's face, catching the side of her head. Ava grunted, but swung her leg out and felt it hit the other girl's side.

"Enough!" Ava back away as Mikasa kept advancing. The girl didn't seem to care and kept striking at Ava. "What is your problem?"

Mikasa's elbow came in contact with Ava's stomach and the older girl grunted. "Damn titan! Tell us why! Why did you eat us?! Do we taste good? Is that why you don't eat food? Because you want to eat us?!"

Ava had enough. Her blood boiled and she saw red. She didn't want to fight, but she was not going to take being talked to like that. She waited until Mikasa struck again and she caught the leg and kicked the supporting one behind the knee, knocking the taller girl down. To put her fully on the ground, Ava landed a hit to Mikasa's face. _An eye for an eye. _She stood over her, one of her hands extended out in a sign to stop and the other raised to hit the girl again if she got up.

"You don't know anything." Ava said in a low tone, her eyes angry. "I don't know how I became a titan, I don't know why I killed people and no, I don't want to eat you. The reason I don't eat is none of your damn business." She stepped back and looked at the squad around her, her eyes making contact with Levi's. "I am not your comrade, a companion, or your 'helper'. The only reason I am here is because they won't kill me." She turned and stalked away from the group, not even giving Mikasa time to respond to her rant. She slammed the door and rested against it. Sliding down towards the floor and covering her face.

_Make it stop._

* * *

**Okay, yeah. So I noticed this might seem a bit rushed, but I don't plan on it being very long, so I am kinda just throwing it together and hoping it works. I also know that her personality changes a bit, but she is having some sort of inner war, so she may slip back and forth from being feisty to with drawn.**

**I forgot to tell you guys there would be talk of suicide and self-harm. Sorry in advance.**

**Let me know if you would like to see Ava paired or not!**

**-Jane**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay! I have followers and readers and one reviewer, (not complaining!) so that gives me the hint that people enjoy reading this fic, which makes me all fuzzy inside. If you are one of my readers and/or followers, please vote for your pairing preference!**

**So far we have:**

**OCxLevi: 0**

**OCxErwin: 1**

**OCxOther Canon Character: 1 (husband voted for Mikasa.)**

**I will not go ahead with a pairing until you, the readers, tell me what you want! This is about you want because I did not have this plot with a pairing in mind, but let's face it, we read fanfiction because sometimes it gets naughty. Or is that just me...any way, I know that she is interacting with Levi a lot, but that can stay/blossom into a friendship or develop. I have a way of her getting to Erwin in my head and I seriously even have something worked out with Connie...that is not a freaking joke.**

**This fic is really dark and somewhat disturbing. Just a reminder to those reading, I do not know some secret about the titans so anything that I spew in here is basically made up from the main plot.**

**If you are having a feeling I am picking on Mikasa, not entirely the case. She is however, a soldier at heart and I just had a feeling that she would react that way to Ava. I love hearing people's thoughts about this, even if it is criticism! I won't know unless you tell me, so please, go ahead and even if you have no opinion, tell me it's 'good' or 'nice job', that's good enough for me.**

**This chapter's song is I know you care by Ellie Goulding (in my defense, you were clearly warned, not only that, but my munchkin likes her too, so we listen to her a lot.)**

* * *

_"Ava. Are you ready?"_

_She turned around to see her uncle standing there, waiting patiently in his best suit. She felt her heart swell with nerves and joy. "Yes, just a moment, I just need to make sure I didn't forget anything."_

_Her uncle's round and red face smiled back at her and he dipped his head in a nod, leaving her by herself._

_She looked down at herself, not sure if it was really happening. She was getting married today. She smiled and felt her cheeks heat up with a blush._

_They were young still, 16, but legally accepted to be married and her mother and his family both agreed that they were capable of marriage, since they had pledge their hearts to humanity and now served in the military._

_Her dress was simple, since she had to use her allowances to buy it. It was just a white dress to her knees with sleeves. Her mother's only request. She dressed it up with flowers in her, then, long tresses, which she brushed till they shined. Her shoes, were flat and very simple. The people who usually wore them lived at home, taking care of children._

_She just couldn't believe it..._

_As soon as she looked at her hands though, they were covered in blood. She looked up and was no longer in that room, getting ready to walk down the aisle. _

_Instead she was surrounded by bodies. Partially eaten bodies. She gasped, stumbling around her as the faces came clearly into her mind, old and new. Her mother, sisters, uncle, old squad members, and even some from her new squad._

_"No..." She felt panic and fear rise up in her gut. She felt her feet bump into something hard and she turned sharply to see a young and dead Darius looking up at her, as if about to fall asleep._

_She fell to her knees, her hands stretched out over the body as terrible moans and cries escaped her. She grabbed his face, begging him to wake up._

_"Please, no, no, please, wake up."_

_Wake up._

* * *

She woke, sitting up with her fists tangled in the sheets, a scream caught in her throat.

_Oh, holy Maria, why? _She covered her face as she trembled and began to sob silently. She didn't want the other's to hear her.

She flipped her legs over the side of her bunk, quietly getting up so not to disturb the others. She found her boots and gear, making her way out of the room and to the kitchen, sitting in a chair and slipping her boots on. She placed the belts on her and tightened them so that they harnessed her body correctly. If they were to lose, they would hang her body painfully. She left the little shack and let the night air hit her. It was cool and slightly humid. The grass glistened with fresh rain and the smell of damp earth was some what comforting to her. She used to live in the country with her family before their father died. Her sisters and her would sneak out of the house some times to play behind the barn and enjoy the cool night air. Some times they would talk about the outside world and rumors of how it looked like.

_I wish it was child like and innocent as that. _She thought solemnly. She pulled the trigger and a grapple stuck into a tree, pulling her body up high. She had missed flying and thankfully, she hadn't missed huge developments to the equipment in the past 50 years. She kept her maneuvers simple and swung tree to tree. She let her hair blow around her face and the sounds of passing trees made her nightmares temporarily disappear. For now, she could just mindlessly fly.

She landed on a tree branch, medium height from the ground, and crouched down, resting her elbows on her knees. The sounds of night commenced around her and she sighed. She was slightly out of shape, which made even simple maneuvering difficult and exhausting. She mentally noted that she needed to start her training again.

She heard movement below her and she moved to put a new blade on. She looked down and saw blonde hair moving about, recognizing it as the former commander Erwin Smith. She halted her movements and watched him. He seemed to just be walking around, though she knew that he was coming to check on the squad more likely. He was the one who wanted her to help him over turn the government.

She used the 3DMG to make her land close to him; he didn't even flinch. She stared at him with hard eyes and kept her stance defensive, but meant him no real harm. She just was curious about this man who knew nothing about her, yet wanted her involved with his schemes.

"I thought you would be out here." He said in a light tone. "I take it you can't sleep?"

She frowned at the man and tilted her head in a curious way. "I just like to sleep in the air, that's all." She said dryly.

He seemed slightly amused by her reply and nodded. "Well, you are witty. I guess I don't need to beat around the bush with you."

"Yes, please, explain yourself." She crossed her arms and cocked her hip slightly while narrowing her eyes. He was smart, she could tell.

He raised a brow slightly and inhaled deeply. "I suppose I cannot convince you to help us."

"You would be right." She unfolded her arms, her cockiness falling from her. "You shouldn't be asking me for help. I will just make it worse."

"I doubt that. You haven't heard my proposal." He said calmly, his tone friendly, but stern.

"I don't need to. The answer will be no regardless." She shook her head and went to walk past him, brushing her shoulder against his empty right sleeve.

"I know you are tormented by the fact that you killed people. If it weren't for that fact, I would have killed you myself." She turned to look at him, her eyes set in a glare. His eyes were almost scary. They were excited, yet seemed reserved at the same time. It made her uneasy. "The fact that you are mentally torn about consuming the people who you did, makes you human enough for me to ask you to help us. You pledged your heart to humanity, so do your duty as a soldier and aid us."

She felt her anger rise, but when she went to say something, another figure appeared. 2 actually. Levi and Darius came from behind Erwin, stopping at the man's side. "Sorry it took us so long. Commander Pixis will not be able to join us this evening." Darius said as if they didn't walk into a debate. "Good evening Ava."

She felt her heart clinch at seeing him. It was sad to see him. To see his age and be reminded of the time she had missed with him. She nodded gently. Her gaze fell onto the captain, whose face was twisted in a none-to-pleased sneer. "Yes, nice to see you sneaking around without permission."

She pursed her lips and felt her self pout at him. This caused Darius to chuckle. He knew that look meant she knew she was in trouble, but she was not going to admit it. "Captain." She said in acknowledgement, turning her head away in embarrassment. She was going to pay later, she was for sure.

"Zachly-"

She turned towards the captain again, noticing he was stuck on what he had just called her. She was used to it, but she was no longer Darius's wife, meaning her name was not Zachly. She looked to the ground as sadness washed over her. "Perchov." She correctly him gently, knowing that is why he stopped. Darius sighed next to the captain, his eyes also relaying the same feeling.

"Perchov. Erwin has a point. You pledged to the military for life and last I heard is that you have a beating heart under your fucking ribs. You are still a soldier." Levi continued.

She set her jaw and looked at her former husband. "And you?" She asked quietly, her words coming out bitterly. "Do you think I should have the privilege of being called a soldier of humanity again? After all the people I killed, do you think that I should be allowed among you?"

He seemed relaxed, despite her drilling. He was always like that. It was nice to see that hadn't changed. "This has nothing to do with how I think. This is about the people you swore to protect over 50 years ago."

"Then I am putting in a resignation. I am not fit for fighting." She said quickly, her hands balling into fists and her face twisting into a sad plea. "Please, just let it go. I can't do this."

Darius looked at Erwin who was staring at the girl in front of them. Of course, he knew that Darius wouldn't allow it, but he said the following words any ways. "Then you are of no use to us and will be disposed of. Hange will take you in for an interrogation first. Death will not come to you easily."

She regarded him with calm words, her face not showing fear or sadness. "I accept that fate."

They weren't counting on that. In fact, Erwin was pretty sure that she would fight for her life. Levi, however, was not surprised by what he heard. He pulled out a knife, flashing it to her. Still she didn't flinch. "If you accept it, then by all means, what are we waiting for?"

She looked at Darius, whose eyes where hard with anger and they looked over her face in questioning. Was this really something she wanted? Did she see her life so invaluable to the cause she once so believed in with all her heart? "I'm sorry, for what's it's worth." She felt tears streak down her face and she smiled at him fondly. "Thank you, for all the wonderful memories." She closed her eyes, waiting for the last blow.

But it never came.

She frowned and her body became rigid. What was he waiting for? Suddenly she felt the tip of his blade at her throat and his breath against her ear, hot and angry. His arm came around her throat, tightening and making it almost impossible to breathe. "The moment you give up your life, is the day you truly die. You've been dead since you woke your sorry ass up, in my opinion. So, I suggest you use your moron of a corpse and do us all a solid. Live, live for what ever reason you can find." He let go of her and she felt her body fall. She was short in stature and so was he, but he had managed to pick her up by the neck. She gasped as she fell to her knees.

"Ava." Erwin kneeled down, resting his arm on one knee. "I know you feel as if you are worthy of death, but those who are worthy are those who purposely kill humans for pleasure. You once did and here you are, asking for justice. That is succumbing to your humanity."

She looked up at him in disbelief. She didn't understand. "How can I believe any thing you say? You just want me alive so I can help you."

He smiled at her statement. "Yes, but really, what good would you be dead?"

* * *

**You guys are so lucky I was able to finish this...seriously.**

**I am super sick and husband is joining the Army Reserves on Friday and my munchkin is having a growth spurt. And we just moved to good ol', extremely hot Texas.**

**Yay. Any way, the meds I am on knock me out cold, so if you don't hear from me in a week, that is why.**

**Please vote for your coupling that you would prefer!**

**-Jane**


	4. Chapter 4

**Arg, talk about feeling like your insides have it out for you...ugh. Any way, hope you liked the last chapter and it may not make sense, but oh well, I'm sticking to my guns.**

**My life is sooo busy right now that if I am slow on updates, that is why and I tend to only update one story at a time. Those reading What you deserve, I am working on the next chapter and am not done. I am actually kind of stuck. But I promise, I will try to have it out by Sunday.**

**So, there is still no paring, which is okay, I can just work on Ava's friendships and acquaintances and her coping with moving on with out Darius for now. My husband is really rooting for Mikasa. He wants it super steamy...perv. I guess that is why we work...**

**If you find mistakes, feel free to let me know! I enjoy hearing from you guys!**

**Song of this chapter: In Distress - Divergent soundtrack (I can't remember who the artist is...oops.)**

* * *

She gritted her teeth as she threw out the dirty water. She was _not _a maid!

When Levi dragged her back to the shack, no one knew she was home and he thought it fit that sense she had caused him such an 'inconvenience' that she could start on chores early while he went to bed, starting with the baths and stables. After that, she had been punished with staying awake and making breakfast and tea for everyone, then continuing on to laundry. She hefted the heavy basket outside, sighing with fatigue. It only served her right. In all honesty, this was not the worst punishment she had every recieved and she was a little grateful that she hadn't been stuck running sun up to sun down.

She breathed in the fresh air as she hung up the clothes. She was told that any stain left on any article of clothing would result on how many rounds of push ups she would be doing. Levi pointed out that a round was 100. She sighed in defeat. She wasn't really good at this kind of thing. In fact, she had to re-do many things that she had cleaned because they were 'not clean enough'. She had never been so frustrated with her life.

"Need help?"

She jumped at the voice and turned to see Eren standing there, smiling at her. She blinked and shrugged. "Just don't get caught."

He scoffed and began to help her. "I'm already on his shit list today."

She groaned, feeling sorry for the boy. He had a lot riding on his shoulders for a kid. She had read his back story and felt so much sadness for him and Mikasa, despite her relationship with the latter.

"I'm sorry for Mikasa. Really, she shouldn't have said those things." He spoke up after several minutes of silence between them.

She shrugged lightly. "I'm surprised that was all she said, truthfully. If the roles were reversed, I would be on trial now for treason because she would be dead." She noticed his look of concern. "No offense and nothing personal."

He sighed and paused. "Ever since mom died, well, we haven't been right in the head. Either of us." He looked at his hands. "When Reiner and Bertholtd ended up being the Colossal and Armoured titans, it just re-opened the wound. I guess we are just burnt out."

She looked at him, guilt washing over her. She had opened wounds like Mikasa opened her's. "I'm sorry. My dad was in the Garrison Regiment and one day, he never came back." She continued to hang her clothes. "Then some one, out of pure luck, came back to the gates and told us that these titans had ambushed them and he had survived by only moving at night. It was incredible that he made it alive, but he said really, that they fell from the wall and so all he had to do was get back up there and walk. Back then we didn't have such high security as you do now."

"Wow. So your dad was killed by a titan?" He asked her curiously, raising an intrigued eyebrow.

"I suppose so. I guess I will never really know." She pushed back her hair, huffing in annoyance.

He looked unsure of his next words, wondering if it was wise. "So...now that he is old...what is going to happen to you and the commander-in-chief?"

She felt the sadness wash over her. Her arms dropped, as did her head and she closed her eyes. "I came back and he only did what I had hoped for him to do in the event of my death. He doesn't feel right about continuing on our marriage and he isn't the same man. I..." She took a deep breath. "I guess I will have to move on too."

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked to see Eren's large green eyes looking into her's. "You're only human, Ava." She looked at him with surprise, not expecting those words to come from him. "Plus, if you didn't fully form into a titan, you may have the same ability as me. I don't know if I am really a kid with the memories I have or if I am like you and the others. I guess I will never know, but I can't let that drag me down. I have to keep fighting, for the others, myself, and for humanity." His hand dropped and she felt the tears pricking her eyes. She wiped her face.

"You brat...I am too tired for that crap." She smiled, comforted by his words. "But thanks for saying that."

He smiled and patted her back, throwing her balance off and making her stumble. "Yeah, you looked like you needed a kind word or two."

She caught herself and sent him a playful, but kind look. "Yeah. I did."

* * *

Connie let out a huff when his body hit the ground, Ava's foot planted solid on his chest. "Come on Springer, you need to stop horsing around." She took her foot away and stepped back.

"I'm not! You're just really good." He rubbed the back of his head as he stood up.

She rolled her eyes. They had decided to spar again, Levi putting her in charge. She went to protest, but she was quickly reminded that he had no qualms about putting her in her place. She didn't want to be embarrassed any more than necessary. "That or you're really a shitty fighter." She rubbed her forehead. "Take a breather, it is hot out and looks like your bald head is frying."

He pouted, sulking off, murmuring something about not being that bald. She sighed and walked back over to the shade, telling Armin and Sasha to begin their turn. She took her place next to the grumpy and equally tired captain.

"He's right." Levi looked at her. "You need to hold back a bit."

She snapped her head in his direction and scoffed. "And what would he learn? The more skilled the enemy, the better chance he will have with future ones. Taking it easy on him will not help him one bit."

He stared at her with those bored eyes. "I guess your right." He turned back toward the 2 that were trying to fight.

She tried not to seem surprised by what he just said, but she felt a slight smile grace her lips. "I'm what?"

"Do you want to clean the toilets again?" He snapped.

She kept quiet, but the smile didn't fade. Armin was doing better. His speed had improved, his technique was much better, and he seemed to be more sure of himself. She almost felt proud for him. Almost.

The food obsessed girl had him pinned under her, her grin mischievous. Ava sighed. Well, he tried his best. To be honest with herself, she knew Armin wasn't physically cut out to be a solider, but he was very useful, none the less.

* * *

_She was looking over the wall, a look of disbelief was on her features. That titan...looked like her father. _

She felt herself go stiff and her eyes glazed over. Was she remembering?

_It was very large, but the creäture did have the same characteristics of her father. She looked at her squad leader, noticing his face was white. Next to that titan was another, though she couldn't place who it looked like, it was familiar._

"Ava?"

* * *

_"Ava, watch out!"_

_"Maria! She fell! Squad leader!"_

* * *

She gasped and felt her shoulders being shook. What had just happened?

"Ava! Ava, what's happening?" She looked to see the blonde boy over her. She was dazed and confused, unaware of her surroundings.

"What happened?" She groaned, sitting up.

"That's what we'd like to know." Jean said next to her. "Your face went all weird and shit and you started whispering 'papa' in a really creepy voice."

Her face paled and she went over the flash back. That titan...why did it look like her father? How did she fall off the wall? And why was it coming to her now?

"She's doing it again."

She looked up at Sasha's face, noticing that the girl was covered in crumbs. Ava felt her stomach turn. She remembered titans face's covered in blood in the same way.

"Hey."

Ava felt herself jump and suddenly the captain crouched in front of her, his eyes passive as always. "I think it's time for bed."

* * *

She didn't eat. She didn't clean. She didn't do anything. She felt numb, almost frozen. She was horrified by the memory of seeing the titan with her father's face. How was that even possible?

Levi had dismissed her for the evening, noting that she was thoroughly exhausted. But he didn't let her go after everyone else cleared the table.

"You want to tell me what that was all about?" He asked, sipping from his tea. She noticed that he rather enjoyed it when she brewed the pot.

She shook her head, eyes wide. "I-I don't know. I think I remembered something. I don't know if it was a memory or if it was a dream or something. I don't know." She covered her face.

He set down his tea, crossing his legs casually and propping his elbow up on the table. "What did you remember?"

She looked at him, eyes beginning to hurt they were so wide. She wanted to forget, but she knew she needed to tell him. "I was over the wall and...there was a titan-" She gulped. "That looked like my father. I think I fell after that. I don't know what made me fall, but some one yelled 'she fell'. Do you think it's a memory?"

He was looking at her with a calculating look, his eyes narrowed. "Quite possibly." It wasn't an answer she wanted, but expected. She bit her lip. "In any case, it needs to be reported."

"Not yet." She blurted out. She recovered before he could protest. "I want to see if they continue. If they do, then quite possibly they are memories coming back to me. If not, I'm writing them off as exhaustion. I mean, they could be a result of physical and emotional fatigue."

He was watching her again and she squirmed uncomfortably. She hadn't been looked at by a man in so long that she forgot how being loked at made her feel. "Alright. You have 3 days. The only reason I am allowing this is because you used to be a researcher yourself."

"I can't believe you put that much trust in me." She crossed her arms on the table, letting her chin rest on them.

"If I didn't trust those who worked with me, I wouldn't be alive today." He picked up his tea again and resumed drinking. "Go to bed."

* * *

Erwin couldn't believe the accusations about his corporal. He knew things were happening just as he predicted, but he didn't like how Levi and the other's were being dragged into it. He had passed on his command to Hange and made sure everything was set up just as he had planned.

But that titan girl wasn't doing as he wished. If she was like Eren, he needed her. They could have more victories like they did when Eren plugged the hole in Trost. Humanity needed more victories.

But he couldn't imagine what kind of turmoil she was going through to make her want to die so dishonorably. The commander-in-chief also seem perturbed that his former wife would be so willing to fall like that. It was unlike Zachly to be so involved.

It was only a matter of time, he knew, before the military police would come banging on his door and to take him in for court. It was coming and soon...

* * *

_"She fell! Squad leader!"_

_Ava felt herself faint and her legs give out under her. This was it. She was going to fall to her death here and now, after she had told Darius not to worry. _

_I'm an idiot. The darkness completely took over._

_There she was, stuck in that large body. She couldnt' control it and she felt her legs stop moving to her orders. Oh, Maria..._

_She was a titan. How did that happen? She was just standing there, at the wall, staring up at the people who she recognized as her squad and she tried to call out to them, but the large body just groaned dumbly._

_She was trapped._

Ava jerked back to reality.

She hadn't been sleeping lately because of the flash backs and she had passed out the last couple times they had happened. Unfortunatly, this did not make the captain think she was less capable of doing her daily duties.

It had already been 2 days and they hadn't progressed. Levi insisted that she tell him both nights what she had remembered that day. He was annoyed that they were the same, replaying over and over.

They still haunted her.

"Captain, she's doing it again." Sasha stared at her with wide eyes, chewing on some sort of food item.

Ava, even during the past grueling 2 days, had not stopped feeding Sasha in her attempt to find her limit. She was getting exhausted with her efforts.

"Braus. No more, she needs to eat her ration." The captain bit at the wide eyed girl. They just stared at Ava when she did this, like they were waiting on something to happen. "Leave her be. Let it happen, you shitty brats."

They turned back to dinner and Ava felt her head go light. She needed to eat for her body's sake, but she couldn't bring herself to.

"Perchov. Eat. I'm not going to baby sit you tonight." Her orders came at her. She sighed, lifting a hand to her spoon, but that was all she could really muster. He had spent most of last night with her, making sure she ate all her food before she was dismissed to go to bed. She didn't want a repeat with the short, intimidating man.

_Ava..._

She jerked up, looking around for the source of whispering. It was male, but...she didn't recognize the voice. "What?"

Everyone looked at her again with curiosity and concern. Mikasa kept her usual glare. Levi just looked at her with the same board expression.

_Ava, love...you're hungry._

She stood up. She did know that voice. Where was he?

"What's wrong?" Historia looked at her puzzled. Ava looked back at the girl with wide yes.

"You can't hear it?" She asked, desperately hoping that she was not the only one hearing the voice. _I'm not going crazy, I'm not going-_

_Ava..._

She stumbled out of her chair, looking around with panic. Her breath was coming in short breaths.

"Hey, are you okay?" Eren stood up. Levi's face turned into a deeper frown and he planted his other foot on the ground.

"Don't you pass out again." He warned.

_You're so hungry._

"Stop." She whispered. She made eye contact with Eren before darkness took her.

* * *

_She cried. She didn't want this._

_"Stop." She begged as the titan body picked up another helpless victim. The look on the young girl's face was more than she could bare. She didn't want to do this._

_The internal agony she felt was more than when she saw her comrades die in battle. Now she was the killer._

_And all because she fell into the mouth of that titan that looked like her father._

_Papa._

_She had never seen so much water in her life. Then again, she had never seen an ocean before. She had read about them in her father's forbidden books, but she didn't think she would ever see one._

_It was just like she read. Large blue vastness, soft sand, birds flying. It was cold, but she didn't really care. It didn't effect her too much. Not in this body. Not as the monster she was._

_She thought of Darius and how much she wanted him to be here and how much she didn't want to be a titan and have this war. It was pointless. Titans were going to kill humans until there are no more to kill._

_Another sad thought crossed her mind. She would never be able to see Darius again, unless he showed up outside of the walls. She knew the chances of that were slim to none. She didn't want to be the reason he died any way._

_'Please, don't be a casuality of this war.'_

_The titan body began to move into the water and it stood there, engulfed as if it was also in awe. It was probably because of her feelings it was reacting this way._

_'I don't want to kill. I know it won't stop, but I don't want to. Please, some one, help me.'_

_Kill. Kill. Kill._

_Her brain burned with want as she saw the green capes she knew so well. Humans were outside of the wall. Now was her chance. She was desperate._

_So desperate for human flesh._

_And she had succeeded in killing that day. Many, many lives and she no longer felt sadness or repulsion, but a burning need. It was like fire._

_She remembered waking up, her head rolled to the side. The voices around her, the fear in their eyes. And her desire to eat them was gone._

_She was alive. She was alone. Where was Darius? Where was her mother and sisters? Her friends? Who were these people and..._

_Who was that man? He reminded her of Darius. She felt joy at first, but then she realized it was not her husband, but some man she had never met before._

_He reminded her of him._

* * *

Ava felt the memories fade and her vision cleared. Other faces came into her view and she realized they were standing over her. She was laying on the floor, but cradled in some one's arms. Human arms.

She jerked from the grasp and looked to see steel and passive eyes looking back at her. She began to shake. _It can't be true. I don't want to kill humans. I am not that monster any more!_

She didn't know if she was lying to herself any more.

* * *

**Arg...getting better, but I get very dizzy and tired and so my time working on my writing is very limited. I keep trying to work on my other one, but it seems like it is cursed. Oh well, I will get to it. I also need to see if chapter 62 is up. Gotta keep this story in line.**

**This is the last chapter to vote for!**

**I have:**

**1 for Bertholtd**

**1 for Mikasa**

**1 for Erwin.**

**If you are a follower, please, I beg you, tell me what you want. I don't need a review every chapter, but I do request this one because if you don't, I am going to eenie-meanie-minie-mo it with the 3 I have and call it good.**

**Thanks in advance and I hope I am making sense. If I don't, let me know, because the meds they put me on make me extremely loopy.**

**Loves!**

**-Jane**


	5. Chapter 5

**I was going to leave the pairing as a surprise, but thank you to all those who voted! I will announce the pairing that I will go with at the end of this chapter. I am going to use the end to spark some feelings between Ava and the 'Chosen' one. Lol...**

**Okay, any way, let me know how you feel and any mistakes I make.**

**Song(s) of this chapter: Call your name - AOT OST, Chandelier - Sia**

* * *

She didn't want to look Levi in the eyes. She didn't want him to see that horrified look. She didn't want to see his repulsion.

She puked on him.

Ava couldn't help it. He had picked her up after all and the memories of her eating people made all the contents of her stomach come up violently. Luckily, he didn't kill her, though he did threaten to give her enough chores until she did die. In her defense, she did try to run outside, but he had blocked her and she couldn't hold it in any longer. She cleaned his shirt and the floor and apologized with a whole pot of tea, which he was enjoying at the moment.

"I'm sorry again..." She croaked, her throat sore from sobbing. Her puffy eyes stared at the wooden floor.

"I take it the memories changed?" He brushed off the apology.

She nodded. One thing was for sure, these were memories. But she was sure that the only reason she was remembering them was because of emotional and physical exhaustion. "I really am a monster."

Levi tapped one finger on the ceramic cup. "What makes you say that?"

She gulped and tried to hold down the bile that rose in her throat. "I ate them because I wanted to. I enjoyed killing. It wasn't the titan body any more, it was _me_." She felt the tears leave hot trails down her cheeks and she pressed her palm to her forehead. "Oh God...I murdered people because it was enjoyable. Why?" The question was to herself.

Levi's eyes narrowed and he let out a long sigh. "That's no good." He said in a monotone voice, taking a long sip of tea. "They'll kill you for that answer."

She looked up at him, studying his face to see if he was joking or not. He wasn't. "Are you going to kill me, Levi?"

He kept his cool gaze on her. "No." He leaned back into the chair and crossed his legs. She found it odd that a man like him liked to sit so posh like. Then again he drank tea and wore fancy clothes under his uniform.

"What are you going to do then?" She asked in a whisper. She felt her body tense.

"You need to leave and you need to leave now before the rest of the squad finds out or I won't even be able to protect you." He stood up, brushing by her. Mint and tea. A clean and not to feminine smell.

She turned to see him moving towards her gear. She shook her head in disbelief. He was letting her go? "Why?"

He grunted and turned his attention to stuffing a bag with minor items to help her survive. They where items that they were taught in training to use in situations like if they were to get lost outside the walls. "Because maybe I see what others don't." He frowned when he found dust in the cupboard. "What the fuck..." He sent her a glare.

She cowered slightly. "What do you mean?" She stood up, gripping the chair tightly.

He stopped and looked at her. "I mean that you are not a monster. There is something seriously fucked up going on and I don't want you being killed because no one has a brain to think with. You're vital to figuring out this titan issue. When this all blows over, come back, but until then, you need to go and stay alive." He held the bag out towards her.

_Stay alive._

She stared at the bag a moment longer before taking it from his impatient hand. She hugged it close to her chest. "Levi...I am a monster, don't you understand?"

Suddenly a strong grip was grabbing her shoulders almost painfully and she was forced to look at the captain, whose eyes were burning with annoyance and anger. "Listen here, brat. A monster is some one who would continue to kill, some one heartless and out of control. But here you are, crying like some dumb ass and fumbling over yourself. You are human. That is good enough for me."

Her lip quivered and she let her head drop to his shoulder, needing to feel comfort of another person. Levi wasn't much a comfort, but he would do. "I want to believe that."

"There is no believe in something that is fact." His voice rumbled in his chest.

She scoffed and picked up her head. "Why are you so adamant on keeping me alive?"

A soft sigh came from him and he put a hand on her head, tilting her face towards his until their foreheads rested against each other. "Maybe I am tired of burying my friends."

_I am his friend? He treats his friends like maids? _She thought humorously. Disregarding his personal space, she hugged him and kissed his cheek. "Thank you Levi." She stepped back and almost laughed at his expression. He was actually _blushing._ She giggled and covered her mouth. She embarrassed him.

He glared at the floor and rubbed his neck. People didn't kiss Levi. Saliva was disgusting to him, but being kissed was something he was not used to. "Tch. Get out of here before I hack you to pieces. Shitty brat..."

* * *

It was getting cold. The humidity had died down and settled for attacking her bones instead of covering Ava in a layer of moisture. At night, it was almost unbearable.

No one came looking for her and after a couple of days, she was sure no one was going to. They would have found her by now.

She pulled the cape around her tightly, trying to keep the cold from settling in her bones as she walked through the forest, taking some comfort in the silence. It was so peaceful.

And lonely.

When she let out a sigh, a visible cloud came from her mouth. Oh yes, she was not going to sleep tonight.

She had to keep reminding herself that she was inside the wall and therefore, she was not going to encounter titans.

_Ugh, but there are bears out here and-_

_Humans?_

To be precise, it was 2 men, sitting by a small fire. They spoke in soft tones and she couldn't help but stare. They were _huge _men. Well, the blonde was very burly and tall and his companion was even taller, but not as broad. He seemed hollow inside.

Soon, though, they were staring at her. She blinked, realizing she was standing in their camp. She looked around and cleared her throat. "Sorry, was walking and I wasn't- hey!" She yelped as the big blonde picked her up, restraining her in a tight, but not painful grip.

"Who are you?" The taller one asked. His brow was furrowed in worry.

She kicked back and the blonde, who just kept his eyes on her, as if she was a blade of grass against a horse's leg. She grunted and pouted. Jerk. "My name is Ava and I was just passing by. I'm not a threat."

"Then explain why you are wearing the wings of freedom." The blonde asked her and she sent him a sneer.

"It was given to me. Will you let go? I really don't like this. I promise I won't hurt you, I have no reason too." _I would make an exception for you blondie._

The tall one nodded at the blonde. His grip loosened and she yanked out of it and stumbled. She sent him a glare. "You jerk."

"We can't be sure if she is friendly." He gave her a strange look. "She might have rabies."

_Oh, haaa. Fuck you. _"I am. What are you criminals? Seriously..." She rubbed her wrists. The men exchanged nervous looks and she suddenly felt very nervous. "Wait. You guys...you guys are thugs?"

The blonde one actually laughed at her and the taller one sent him a nervous glance out of the side of his eye. "Ah, no, no we're not. You're a member of the Scouting Legion?"

She shook her head. "Not in a very, very long time. My...friend-" _Strange to call Levi a friend. _"Gave this cape to me. Though I did wear it at one point in my life."

"I'm Reiner Braun. This is Bertholtd Fubar." Reiner slapped Bertholdt's back.

Ava froze. The Armoured and Colossal titans. She stepped back. She read about them. Suddenly, she remembered that they were human, yet titan at the same time. Maybe they could tell her more about her past. She cleared her throat. "Ava Zachly." She mentally slapped herself at giving her married name, but stayed with it. Maybe it was better to not give them her maiden name.

Reiner's brows shot up. "You related to Darius Zachly by chance?"

Ava bit her lip and nodded. "Yes. Actually...I married into that name."

He tilted his head at her and squinted, as if trying to see something. "Aren't you a bit young to be married?"

Annoyance built in her chest and she popped her hip and crossed her arms, making sure her best frown was on. "I happen to be 23, thank you and I got married at 16, so eat shit."

He seemed amused. "You have a mouth on you."

She wanted to pull a crude joke on him , but she just bit her cheek. Bertholdt spoke then. "Where is your husband?" He seemed nervous that her husband was going to crash through the trees and kill them both. He was a nervous fellow.

She looked at the ground, her heart aching in her chest. "Dead." She lied. "He died a while back. The Armoured titan killed him." She tried not to look at Reiner.

Bertholdt nodded, his eyes flashing around. She couldn't help but notice how lovely he was to look at, despite being so tall and twitchy. He was broad enough and she could see under his shirt was lean and defined muscle. His skin was golden from the sun and his hair looked silky. His eyes, despite flashing around in a nervous dance, where a beautiful shade of brown, a rich color she hadn't seen before. She blushed. Did she seriously just...check out the Colossal titan?

Reiner cleared his throat and nodded. "I am sorry to hear that. Are you hungry by chance? If you have walked around all this time, I am sure you are tired."

_They're genuinely kind. Amazing. I thought they would be like killers and I would be dead by now._

They warmed themselves by the fire, chewing on meat that their 'companion' had hunted for them. The said companion was hiding in the trees, her silhouette framed by moonlight. Ava knew that she was Ymir, Historia's friend who helped them escape. Ava felt her stare from her perch.

Ava listened to Reiner talk and continued to watch Bertholdt from the corner of her eye. He didn't seem fazed by her presence at all, in fact he was seeming to ignore her, focusing his attention on the trees around them. Maybe he wasn't nervous, but alert.

"Where do you come from?" Reiner asked casually, continuing on with their conversation.

"Trost." She took her eyes away from Bertholdt and looked at Reiner.

He raised a brow. "Didn't they just plug that hole in the wall over there?"

She frowned slightly, wondering why he would ask that. He was there after all, but he was also putting on an act. She had read on the incident about the Colossal titan kicking the gate open and letting titans in to eat people, not once, but twice. It amazed her that such a gentle-looking man could do such a thing. "Yeah, some kid named Eren did it. Guy is a real freak show. Changes into a titan."

The 2 men exchanged looks and Bertholdt shifted next to her nervously. "How long ago were you in the Survey Corps?"

_Fuck. _She mentally slapped herself. _Remember? That just happened you idiot! _She scorned herself. Suddenly it made her realize that if they knew her secret, they would think she was on their side and would spill the secrets that they knew. Maybe it would make it easier for her to kill them.

"50 years ago." She deadpanned and looked the tall man straight in the eye. _I dare you..._

Reiner sat up straight and his eyebrows pulled together in thought. Suddenly his face went all stoic like, reminding her of Levi. "You're that girl. That makes sense. I got a feeling something was up."

_Damn it, Ava, you are better than that! What is wrong with you? _Her throat muscles constricted the saliva she swallowed and she prepared herself to run. Maybe they didn't see her as an ally, but rather like Eren, who was the Survey Corps's only chance to take either of them down. "Yeah. I fell from a titan during your grand escape. I ran away." The confession made her heart beat faster and faster. She would have to kill them. There was no way she could let them walk off and continue their mission. "Captain Levi told me to leave because he thinks I could be useful in the future. I don't plan on going back though." It came to her easily, lying. She wasn't the most honest person in the first place.

"Can you turn into a titan?" A female voice said behind her and Ava jumped slightly in surprise. She turned to see Ymir staring down at her. "I don't think we can trust her. What if Darius comes for her? What will we do when the military is breathing down our necks?"

Fists in balls by her side, she stood up and looked Ymir in the face, hoping to look super pissed off. Really, the girl was right. She wasn't to be trusted. "I don't want to change and I don't know how any way. I just woke up one day and I was back in the human world. And don't worry...you won't have to worry about people coming for me. Darius won't...there are other things they need to worry about than a girl running off into the forest. So bite me."

A large, _very _warm hand rested on her shoulder and she looked at the gentle giant. "Calm down." Bertholdt was standing next to her, a light sheen of sweat running down the side of his face. "We aren't your enemies." His voice was strained, as if he was trying to keep control of something. He reminded her of Darius, when he was young, except Darius was not a nervous body. He was always so sure of himself. This boy was much more awkward than the rest of the boys in her trainee class. It was almost cute.

Kinda.

Ymir looked away, scoffing and turning to sit by her male companions. "Yeah, whatever."

A breeze picked up and the icy chill it had to it went straight to her core. She yipped back a curse and sat back down, holding her cape tightly around her shoulders. She wished she could have stayed with the squad in the nice warm shack and enjoyed tea.

"Bertl." Reiner had finally decided to speak up after a long period of silence. "Can we really trust her?"

Dark eyes looked at her slowly and flitted over her face. She felt heat rising in her gut and cheeks. When did she get so embarrassed by being looked at? First Levi, now this..._kid_. That made the heat die down when she realized that he was only 16, well, was supposed to be.

"Yes. She has a kind heart." He looked at the fire, his eyes not scanning around in their nervous dance like they had done since she arrived here. His eyes had a sad, empty look in them.

Reiner laughed and pushed on his friend's shoulder. "Don't make me tell Annie."

Ava was confused at the comment, but the way Bertl protested at the blonde made her forget trying to figure it out. They looked very close to each other, like brothers. She knew who Annie was and where she was, but she didn't say anything. "I have a kind heart? Hm." She looked at her hands and sighed. _Do people with kind hearts kill people just for the hell of it?_

* * *

**Oh yeah, that's right! Bertholdt! I'm not going to lie, I was prepared for everyone but him. But no worries, I did my research on the character and am kind of taking a liking to the pairing. I even have it all planned out and her relationship with Reiner. They don't really click, if you can't tell.**

**From now on I thought it would be best to just go my way with this story, instead of trying to sync with the manga. It's too stressful on my life! Jk...but seriously.**

**I keep trying to find Bertholdt's 'age' and I see 16-18, but I thought I would put another twist on it. I will get to that here in the next couple of chapters.**

**Sorry these chapters are so short. I am getting some what better, but I try to write and then everything does not agree with me.**

**Let me know how you liked it!**

**-Jane**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, I have to admit that I am getting the hots for Bertl. Very nice. Any way, I am going to try to have some sort of period where they just flirt, but we will see how long that lasts. I have a lemon planned...I am naughty...I plan to go back and forth between characters, instead of just following one. I probably won't start that until next chapter. We will see where it takes me.**

**I am loving Elastic Heart and Chandelier, both by Sia. I am going to use them as my song of this chapter.**

* * *

They let her stay. Reiner didn't want her wandering around in the cold and Ymir didn't want her running around to snitch on them. In the end, they decided that she would join them, much to her delight. Maybe she would get answers before she had to kill them.

Reiner and Ymir slept on the other side of the fire, looking at her strangely when she settled near Bertholdt, who was trying to convince her that it wasn't as warm by him as by the others. She shrugged and stated that she would be fine. Reiner shook his head. She tossed a rock at him.

Oh yes, he would be the first to die.

It was so warm. She sighed in content and hugged Darius's head closer to her chest, pressing his warmth to her. She ran her hands thru his thick, short hair-

Wait. Darius's hair was longer.

And she wasn't in her bed...and she wasn't married any more. She felt her blood turn cold and her bright eyes snapped open. What the hell?

She looked down to see dark hair in between her breast, the culprit sleeping soundly, his breath even. His longer legs were intertwined with hers, his arms wrapped around her tightly. The question was, who initiated their current position?

Bertholdt sighed in his sleep, warm breath warming the cloth of her shirt. He looked so peaceful. She gulped and looked around. The other 2 were asleep, Reiner's snores were loud and obnoxious while Ymir looked like a stone.

Considering her options, she decided holding still. If she woke Bertholdt, the consequences could be negative. If she didn't have half a mind, she would have screamed and hit him. Knowing who he was also deterred her from waking him.

She relaxed, knowing that his grip was not going to loosen around her waist. He was very, very warm and the air around her was very, very cold. Was this really such a bad thing? She laughed softly when she remembered how good-looking the boy was. _Too bad he is 16. And the Colossal titan. Such a shame, these young lives have to be wasted._ His head moving snapped her from her thoughts and she closed her eyes, pretending to sleep. He was awake.

She heard a sigh and something to the nature of 'not again'. He pulled away from her slowly, taking his warmth away from her. She groaned and pretended to start waking up. It was so cold that she didn't care if she was spooning with the infamous Colossal titan. Bertholdt stopped moving and his breathing quickened. She stopped moving when he did. He must have really thought it thru because he returned to his spot next to her, except his head was no longer in between her breast, which she was grateful for. She wrapped her arms around him again and squeezed. She was going to milk this situation; she was tired of being alone when the nightmares came. Maybe they had them too?

The thoughts left her as darkness took over.

* * *

She woke earlier than usual, her heat source gone. She rubbed her eyes as she sat up, arching her back in a stretch. Hearing and smelling the fire made her realize that the others were up.

Ymir was sitting up, Bertholdt staring at the fire intensely. Reiner was still snoring over behind Ymir.

"It's alive." Ymir said humorlessly. Bertholdt looked back at her, a slight blush creeping over his face. "Did you find out why Bertl has to sleep by himself?"

Ava feigned confusion, raising a brow. She wasn't going to help the other girl embarrass the tall boy. "I don't understand."

Bertholdt almost looked relieved. Last thing he wanted was to be teased by the freckled girl. "I-I'm not that bad." He said, staring harder at the fire. Ava shrugged it off and began to pick up her bedding that Reiner had lent her.

Ymir shrugged. "He likes to cuddle people in his sleep and if there isn't any one to molest, he almost rolls into the fire."

He waved his hands defensively in front of him. "I don't molest people!"

"Sure do. You made Reiner freak out last week." Ymir snickered. Ava held back a giggle. She could see Bertholdt holding Reiner like he was holding her last night. The burly blond probably cried like a girl.

"I did not freak out. I just was surprised." Reiner had woken up and was stretching his arms across his large chest. Ava had to admire his large muscles. If he wasn't such a bone head, in her opinion, he would be very sexy.

Finishing packing her things, Ava sat in between the freckled girl and the tall boy. She hugged her knees to her chest, watching the flames dance. Now that everyone was up, she was sure they were going to start walking soon. "So..." She bit her lip. "Am I a special case or did you all wake up human too?"

Ymir looked at her, brows raised. Bertholdt looked down, avoiding the question. "You're a special case, meaning you remember your life before. We don't. We just were here all of the sudden. We have families though. But then again, we come from a line of shifters."

Ava began to think. That titan...looked like her father. Did that mean...? "So you are all like, what? 16, 18?" She shrugged.

"124." Bertholdt said passively. Her eyes widened. _So much for being a child._

Reiner scratched behind his ear. "98."

"I don't know." Ymir shrugged and began to poke something with a stick. "Why?"

Ava continued her thoughts. "Curious. I mean, I am 73 technically. I know nothing about who I am...just who I was." She rubbed her temples. "I don't get it..." She whispered.

After a few moments of silence, Reiner stood. "We should get going. Connie's old town is near by. There is livestock and supplies there. Maybe we can stay there until we have a new plan."

Bertholdt agreed and stood up to follow his companion. Ymir put the fire out and Ava helped strap the supplies to the 2 men's back. They insisted on carrying the supplies instead of the girls. Ava almost laughed at their chivalry.

They began walking as the sun just cleared the tops of the trees. Ava was glad that Levi let her keep her gear and boots. Her light pants surprisingly kept her warm.

The sun only warmed up the air slightly and Ava almost didn't want to stop walking. Last thing she needed was to be freezing cold.

She noticed that some one was walking close to her. She had slowed a bit down and fell behind the others, following them at a safe enough distance. She looked up to see Bertholdt's red face. Despite the cold air, he had sweat on his forehead.

"I'm sorry. I know you know. I shouldn't have touched you." He said in a low voice, not making eye contact with her.

She smiled and nudged him with her elbow. "Nah, I was super cold any way. I seriously thought you were my husband. I don't feel violated." She looked ahead of her. How sweet of him to apologize.

"I want to ask you something and don't take it the wrong way, but...I noticed you have the nightmares too." She looked back at him, her lips thinned out. "I.." He sighed. "Do you mind? I mean, me holding you, does it bother you at all?"

She stopped and her face contorted. What? He had stopped too and he was looking at her with nervous eyes. "Sorry, that was just unexpected." She started to walk again. "Uh, no, it doesn't bother me. I mean, I was really cold last night."

"Ok." He looked at his boots as they walked. "Do you mind if I do it again? Last night was the first night I didn't the nightmares in a long time."

It was innocent enough, really. But she could see how he would be embarrassed. Did he think she was going to stick around until they were all done with doing whatever they were doing? "Yeah, I don't care, just don't get all fresh now." She teased him. He stuttered a bit. After a while they just walked in silence.

Reiner and Ymir were talking about something ahead of them and occasionally Ymir would glance back to see if she was still there. Every time, Ava had to suppress the twitch to flip her off.

"If you don't mind, would you not say anything to the others? Reiner has this stupid idea that I like a girl from our home town, but really she just kind of scares me. She is a good person though, no matter what." Bertholdt said next to her. "And I am really sorry for last night. It was out of line."

She smiled sadly. "No, it was a comfort, like you said. I haven't been held in a long time. It was nice, even if it was an accident."

Bertholdt looked at her. "Your husband died a long time ago, didn't he?"

She looked up at him. Ymir assumed that she and Darius were like cousins or in-laws. Reiner had voiced his own theory of them being mother and son. She scoffed at them. "No. He's still alive, just a very old man now. He thought it was best to just not get back together. I mean, I don't blame him and all and it would be kinda gross, but it still hurt." This boy was easy to talk to.

"I know it was Darius. You kept whispering his name last night."

She blushed and chuckled. "Oh, that's cute. Hold one man and say the other's name."

"I'm sure he still loves you, you know. That kind of thing doesn't ever disappear." He held out his hand to help her up the face of the boulder they came upon. He had just lifted himself over it, like it was nothing. She wanted to pull him down. _Stupid giant..._

She took his hand and let him pull her up. He did it almost effortlessly. "Worst thing is, is that I was 23 when I disappeared. We had a life together and I was doing well in my career. It was going so well we were thinking about kids and then suddenly, I was gone, for 50 years." She reached the top of the boulder and continued to walk next to the tall man. He had to slow down to keep at her pace.

"You feel a lot a guilt over it? You couldn't help it." He said, coming to a stop. She looked to see a decimated village.

Some of the damage wasn't bad. A patch job on the roof would suffice on a couple of the larger houses. The chickens and other livestock were wandering around, no humans to keep them in place, but weren't leaving the village line.

They had stopped next to Reiner and Ymir. Reiner nodded to keep walking. They followed him into the center of the village, a large house sitting in it. _It must have belonged to the head of the village. _She thought. Reiner walked into the house first, looking around and then motioning to the others that it was safe. They filed in and looked around at their new 'home'. It was large enough for 4 people, but had no rooms. Instead there was a large loft like area above the table. That was where a strange hole was, like something exploded from the inside.

"Bertholdt and I will fix the roof. You and Ymir look for food and anything that can be useful. If you can, try to round-up the chickens and some cattle. We need them for food." Reiner started giving instructions. Ava and Ymir nodded, leaving the 2 men to do their job.

Finding food that had not gone bad wasn't that hard. The town looked seemed to concentrate on farming. Most of the food they found was dried vegetables, grains, and dried meats. Ymir looked at a dried beet. "These look decent. I wonder where they grow these." She walked to the door way of the house they were looking in.

Ava tapped her shoulder to let the other girl know she wanted by and moved past her when she obliged. "I'm guessing in the forest a bit. Look for a small fence with tight wiring around it."

Sure enough, just at the mouth of the forest, was a patch of vegetables. Sadly enough, the cows and horses had stepped over the fence and were eating the said goods. Ava groaned and looked at Ymir. "I guess the dried stuff will have to do. Let's see if the horses are good for riding." She stepped over the small fence and held out her hands, clicking her tongue. The 4 horses that were standing in the patch turned towards her, not moving from their spots. She clicked her tongue again as she picked up a partly eaten carrot. That got their attention. She began to walk backwards, holding the carrot out to them, moving when they got close. Ymir went behind her and opened the gate behind the house the boys were fixing. Once all 4 horses were inside, she shut the gate. Ava broke the carrot into pieces and gave all 4 of them a treat. "Good horse." She rubbed the nose to a chestnut colored mare.

"You're good with animals." Ymir observed. She leaned against the fence.

"I was raised on a farm, inside wall Maria. I moved to Trost after my dad died." Ava patted the side of another horse before she climbed over the gate, looking at Ymir. "Let's go get those dried veggies and then see if we can saddle up and round-up the other animals."

The roof wasn't finished by sun down, but Ymir and Ava had succeeded in moving the cows into a pasture and only grabbing a couple of chickens to place in a coup they had found. Ava chopped up some of the dried veggies and meat and threw them in a pot of boiling water. After a long day of work, all 4 of them were hungry. Ava had removed her shirt to reveal an undershirt. Working by the fire made her over heat.

She sighed as she sat in the chair, her muscles sore and her eyes heavy from exhaustion. She looked to see Reiner and Bertholdt washing their faces, ridding themselves of the grime from the long day of work. Ymir was just sitting in the corner, patiently waiting for the soup to get done. They weren't bad, but whatever was going on to make them kill so many innocent lives with a conscience, made them her enemies. She didn't want to kill them, but she would have to when the time came.

"Tomorrow, if we get up early enough, we can have that roof finished in no time. Do you have enough food to keep a good pantry for a while?" Reiner looked at her directly. She pursed her lips. She must look like a house keeper because she was doomed to be one apparently.

"So I'm feeding people, is that my job?" She said dryly, making sure she looked none-to-pleased.

"None of us can cook." Bertholdt looked at her, shrugging. "You're soup smells good, so we are hoping that it tastes the same. I don't see why it wouldn't." His face reddened slightly. Ava wanted to pinch his cheeks. _Stop being so damn adorable. _

She smiled and shrugged. "I'm not good at cleaning, but my mom taught me how to cook. I can't get stains out of your clothes, fair warning." She flinched at the memory of trying to remove stains from the laundry. Levi was not impressed.

Reiner's booming laugh made her jump. He clapped a hand on her shoulder. "You're a woman, isn't that stuff just built into you?"

_Do not stab him, do not stab him..._Eyebrow twitching, she removed his hand and pointed at Ymir. "She's a woman and I was just told she can't cook."

"But she can clean! See, you can just make sure I don't starve and she can wash my britches!" He kept laughing, ignoring her shrug off. She sent a disturbed look at Ymir who was rolling her eyes.

Ava shuddered. "Yes, because I am sure that is her life goal." She opened the lid to the pot. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Reiner winking at Ymir. _Ugh...now I can't get that thought out of my head. Gross_. "Soup is done."

They were happy to find that the soup did in fact taste as good as it smelled. Reiner ruffled Ava's hair, making another sexist comment and finding satisfaction when she pushed at him. Bertholdt also praised her. Ymir ate 2 bowls, so Ava took that as a good sign. They all cleaned up and settled down for the night. Again, Ava received strange looks when she laid near Bertholdt. "What? I can't sleep here?" She gave them a strange look in return.

Ymir snickered. "You like it when he grabs your tits at night?" Reiner began to laugh too. Poor Bertholdt sulked slightly and Ava felt a need to protect him.

"Yeah, at least I have tits to grab. Maybe he is a good tit grabber. I may know one when I see one." She put her nose in the air as she began to pull up her hair.

"Find some one else to warm that empty spot, huh?" Reiner continued to laugh, not realizing the meaning in his words.

She stopped fidgeting with her hair, her heart becoming heavy with sadness. Reiner stopped laughing. "I'm sorry, I forgot." He mumbled. "Are you okay?"

Sighing gently, she smiled up at the giant man. "Yeah, I know what you meant. I'm just kinda sensitive, ya know?" She tried to shake the heavy feeling off inside of her, but found that the comment may have stung more than she realized. "I'm calling it a night. See you guys in the morning."

* * *

_"What?! You're kidding!" Ava sat up in bed, looking down at her husband with wide eyes. "Does that mean...?"_

_The sheet covered the naked bottom half of his body. It rippled when he chuckled at her reaction. "Yes, we can do what we want now."_

_He had been promoted to the commander of the Garrison Regiment. It was a huge leap, considering that he was only a captain a day before. He must of really impressed his superiors. Her smile even got bigger. "We can have a baby..." She felt tears sting her eyes. "I thought...that we might not be able too, but, we can now."_

_His arm snaked around her waist, pulling her back down to him. "I would enjoy that. A quirky, little Zachly." He smiled into her hair. She began to cry. "Ava?" He ran the back of his hand over her cheek. "What's wrong?"_

_"It's not what's wrong, it's what's right." She rolled over and hugged him. "I didn't think we would ever get the chance." She hick-up'd and nuzzled his collar bone. "You don't know how happy I am."_

_His arms wrapped around her and squeezed her tightly to him. "I'm happy to start trying." His voice became husky._

* * *

She woke with a start, tears rolling down her face. It wasn't fair...everything had been going so well. Their life was going to start and they could have had a family. She muffled her cries into Bertholdt's shoulder.

_Why? We were so in love and it was our dream to be parents. We wanted it so bad. _She began to shake with the strain of holding in her sobs. She covered her mouth.

Just then, two long and strong arms wrapped around her tightly, pressing her more into the body she was laying with. His warmth engulfed her. He was awake because he began to stroke her hair.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." She wiped her tears away.

"I wasn't asleep. It's okay, I understand." His voiced whispered back above her and she smiled softly. It was so comforting because he really did. He didn't know her pain with Darius, but he knew how much her heart hurt. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head. "No, just don't let me go, okay?"

He took a deep breath and she gripped his shirt tightly. "Okay."

* * *

**Just let go of Darius already woman! Jk, I would be more of a mess, but I'm a weiner, so...**

**Yay or nay on this chapter? Let me know if this is feeling rushed to you guys because it feels like it to me, though I am pleased with how it is progressing.**

**Let me know!**

**-Jane**


	7. Chapter 7

**Ah, Bertholdt, I am glad that you are the 'Chosen One'. He is such an interesting character. There is so much you can do with him. Such a mystery man.**

**So I am just going to put it out there that I can barely contain myself with this story and I am enjoying this pairing. So much so, I think that I am just gonna dive in with it, though I think the real feels will come later. I think I am going to start them out like friends with benefits, just let the feelers go from there. Mmkay? Mmkay. So that means there will be lemon in this chapter. I will mark it so if you want to, you can just skip over it, but you have been warned and this fic is rated M for that very reason.**

**To just get more in tuned with everything, I've been listening to AOT's OST and I just am impressed every time. It's like I forget how good it is and when I go back, I am pleasantly surprised.**

**This chapter's song is Reluctant Heros (Piano) and it was just one off of YouTube so I don't know who did it really.**

* * *

The roof was finished the next morning. All 4 of them then proceeded to fix any fence issues so the horses couldn't get out. The boys had decided to shed their shirts, since today had actually heated up a bit. Ava admired their muscles secretly and she saw Ymir star at Reiner's back. She almost snickered, but decided to let it go, not wanting the other girl teasing her because she was staring just as hard.

"Man, how sad we are, just staring at them. We need to get laid." Ymir said while they took a break in the shade. Reiner had refused to stop for a moment and Bertholdt didn't want to leave him doing things alone.

Ava casted her a side long glance. "Speak for yourself. Wait. That sounds incredibly good now." It had been a long, long, looong time since Ava had felt the enjoyable feeling of sex. Her mouth watered at the thought.

"Gross, I don't want to know." Ymir scoffed and leaned against the barn wall. "But yeah, it does."

Ava sighed and sat down, resting her head against the palm of her hand. "Maybe I can bribe them into it." She joked, poking Ymir's leg. The other girl swatted at her hand.

"I don't have to bribe. I could just say, 'fuck me' and I would be taken care of." Ymir crossed her arms again. "Men like that shit to much to pass up a female willing. Good or bad, they won't pass it up."

Ava squinted her face in disgust. "Sex with Reiner?"

"Why, am I not pretty enough or something?" Ymir snapped, her arms tightening around her.

Ava turned towards her, confused. "I didn't say anything like that. You're very pretty. I was talking about Reiner." She turned back to her spot. "He's...special."

Ymir blinked at the girl, her face softening. "Thanks...for calling me pretty."

She smiled and turned toward the girl. "Don't let what some asshole told you get to you. Just because you're tall and freckled doesn't mean you're not pretty."

"Ymir's pretty?"

Ava turned back, glaring at the blond who had just walked up to them. He was wagging his eyebrows up and down. "Did I interrupt?"

She tossed a rock at his head. "You wish pervert, now put on some clothes!"

* * *

A few days passed uneventfully and they had continued to make the house livable in. After a long morning of grueling work before the sun got to high, Ava brought lunch out and they sprawled in the grass, stomachs full and limbs tired.

Ava stared at the clouds, her eyes heavy and sore. She was so tired, but not as tired as she had been less than a week ago. She was enjoying the company and her and Ymir were now with in understanding of each other. Her and Reiner seemed to get worse and worse.

Bertholdt was a different story. The tall boy was a different person when they were alone or laying in the dark. He wasn't as self-conscious or timid. He was still twitchy during the day, but she attributed that to them having to be on the look out all the time.

She had told him about the paperwork she was given to update her on the current situation and finally told him that she knew who he was. He seemed indifferent to that knowledge, but seemed pleased she didn't treat him differently.

He, however, remained quiet and kept to himself about certain things. She had asked once about if he knew where the titans came from, but he simply shrugged. Ava felt rejected, but didn't push him away. She just concentrated on the things she liked about being his sleeping partner, like the way he would run his finger tips up and down her back or the way he held her when she woke up from a nightmare. She blushed. It made her core heat up with delight thinking about that.

Her mind trailed back to the few days before when Ymir commented on getting laid. Ava wanted it so badly and if she so desired, she knew that either of the boys, despite her and Reiner's relationship, would be her partner. She was so lonely and the want and need for release was almost painful. She turned her head and looked at Bertholdt, who was soaking up the sun rays. He never burned.

Later, when they were laying in bed, wrapped up in each other comfortably, she decided to be forward with Bertholdt. He was her first choice any way.

Even though she wasn't a virgin, it was still embarrassing.

"Bertl, you awake?" She whispered into his neck. He responded with a hum and pulling her closer to him. She had to swallow back the nervous lump in her throat.

"I gotta ask before I go on with my question, but...um...have you ever, well, done 'it'?" She bit her lip. She expected him to shove her away from him in shock, but he didn't even tense at her words.

"No...not entirely. Why?" His cheek rested against her ear and she shivered at his heat.

_I can't do that...take a poor man's virginity._ "What do you mean not entirely?" She asked timidly.

He sighed, his fingers stilling on her back. "Well, I mean I fooled around with Sasha once, but I never went _all _the way. I never really had the time."

She almost didn't want to ask and the shame came over her. Damn her human needs. "Do you...you know...want to...with me?" He did tense at that and Ava covered her mouth. "Sorry, I just...gosh, I will shut up. I'm sorry Bertl."

"Why are you sorry?" He pulled his head back to look at her. She avoided eye contact. "You're only human."

She felt tears stinging her eyes at that. Every one but her thought that she was human, even those who battled the same nightmares as she did. "I just..." She sighed. "I really like you as a friend and I trust you, well, as much I can any ways. No offense."

He smiled at her and she felt her heart flutter. "None taken. I understand."

_He understands everything it seems. _"But, um, I really don't take back what I said. Please don't make me ask Reiner." _Please..._

His face heated up with a blush and he rested his head on her's. "Yeah, we can."

She felt relief and her body relaxed in his arms. "You sure? You don't have-" She barely finished the words when he pressed two fingers to her lips.

"Let's go out to the barn." He sat up, pulling her with him. She bit her lip, looking at him shyly. He was the virgin, but she was super nervous. The only man she had been with was the one she married at 16 and it had been 50 years. What if she embarrassed herself?

Bertholdt grabbed a blanket and lit a lantern, quietly escorting her out of the house and towards the barn, all the while gently holding her hand. Her face burned with a blush and she had to take deep breaths to calm her nerves.

He easily slid open the door enough for them to enter and let her enter first, following close behind her, closing the door shut. She looked around, wringing her hands nervously. He stood next to her looking at her with the same expression he looked at the tree line with: nervousness and fear.

She didn't blame him. He just told her to that they could have a sexual relationship, something he has never had before. They just stood there, awkwardly, listening to each other breath.

"You don't have to do this, Bertholdt. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can just back out. I won't hold it against you." She pulled on her shirt sleeves.

"I know. But I also don't want you to ask Reiner..." He said in a low tone. She leaned against his side, resting her head on his arm.

"Thank God. I was not looking forward to that conversation." She chuckled lightly, trying to calm her nerves. She stopped leaning against him and tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "I'll let you lead, I'm not one for initiating."

Bertholdt only nodded and walked over to the hay pile in the back of the barn. There was no animals in this barn. Ava assumed they escaped when the towns people turned into titans.

_**-Commencing the Sexy Time-**_

Taking the blanket from underneath his arm, he placed the lantern on a nail on one of the beams before unfolding the blanket and laying it over the hay. He looked at her, sweat forming on his brow. She took a deep breath and pulled her shirt over her head, removing the undershirt with it, moving to her pants. She heard Bertholdt taking her lead. After removing all her clothing, she looked up to see Bertholdt in all his glory. And glorious he was. He looked like he would be scraggly, but he filled out well underneath his clothes. She had seen him shirtless, but seeing him completely naked made his body something else to look at.

She noticed that he was staring at her the same way and she shivered, feeling goose-flesh pepper her skin, her nipples tightening. He held out his hand to her and she took it, following him down onto the blanket. He just kept staring at her, his face red and his breath quickening. She squirmed as he lowered himself towards her, his heat spreading over her body.

"Whatever you want to do, Bertl, this is all up to you, okay?" She said, her voice almost airy.

He nodded, lowering his head towards hers. She had to remind herself to breath as his mouth linked with her's and his arms wrapped around her, possessiveness in his actions. He was so strong...

He tasted like work and cloves and he smelt like the Earth after the rain. She melted in his arms and tangled her fingers in his hair, bringing her legs up to wrap around his hips. She was going to enjoy this. A lot.

He bit her lip gently and ran a hand down her side, catching under her knee and pulling her closer to him. His mouth left her's in favor for her neck and chest, making her moan lightly. For being a virgin, he was fairly decent at this. She ran her hands over his back and shoulders, soaking up the feeling his skin left on her's. When his mouth descended upon her breast, she almost cried out, but whimpered, holding back, arching up to meet him.

"Please don't hold it. I want to hear you." He murmured against her flesh and she felt her face heat up. He was actually very aggressive. It was quite the turn on. He grabbed her perked breast and latched onto it, making her cry out this time, her fingers gripping the blanket under them.

"Holy Maria, Bertl..." She panted. She had always been super sensitive and easy to convince, but Bertholdt had her crying out and begging. He was teasing her and she knew it. She wanted him to touch her other places.

His tongue swirled around the pink bud of her breast and she dug her finger nails into his arms. "God, Bertl, please..." She panted.

He looked up at her, his eyes hazy and teasing. _Damn him_. "Please what, Ava?" His hands ran over various parts of her body and she almost couldn't answer him, her mind fogging up and her speech mumbled.

"Touch me, please..." She begged, squirming and making their skin rub together. That made him groan slightly.

He took her earlobe between his teeth, his fingers pulling her hair back so she had to look at him. "Where?"

"Any where, just touch me, please." She arched her hips, brushing her sex against his. His breath hitched and she rolled her hips over again, just to feel him.

It happened very quickly then, almost to quickly and it made Ava's head spin. He grabbed his shaft and rubbed the head of his cock on her clit gently in circular motions. She mewled into his mouth and tried to contain herself. Her core was throbbing for him, begging him to give her release from the torture.

"Bertl..." She bit her lip, the spot between her legs gushing with her fluids, readying herself for his size. She needed him so bad and he knew it.

"Say it again." He whispered deeply into her ear, voice husky and his pants becoming heavier. "Say my name again, please."

He prodded her entrance, making her jolt and claw his shoulders. "Bertl."

That was all she needed to say, because soon after that, she was filled up to the hilt with him. He was long and his girth was impressive. Her sex protested slightly against him, stinging dully. She hissed, groaning lightly when he filled her. His eyes darkened, taking in the feeling of her walls clamping him tightly, feeling her stretch to him. It was exotic and he almost came to the feeling of her bucking her hips against his. The head of his cock throbbed and twitched, wanting to feel more. "How do you want it?" He asked her when she finally stopped bucking against him.

"Deep, really deep." She pushed up against him to show him what she wanted, making them both groan. "Ah, yes, oh, yes. Just like that." She pulled him down to rest on her, wrapping her legs tightly around him. His hands played with her pulsing breasts as he began to thrust into her almost violently.

Every cry, every kiss, and every touch lit their bodies on fire and it made their climaxes come closer and closer with each thrust. Ava couldn't contain herself and began to cry out. Darius used to comment on how loud she was during sex, but it didn't bother Bertholdt at all. If anything, it encouraged him.

"Bertl, I'm so close." She buried her face in his shoulder. "Please..."

He grabbed a handful of her hair and pressed her lips to his as his climax began to blind him, her's ripping through her body and she panted, crying out his name until her body became lax under him. He pulled out and pumped himself, letting his seed cover her clit in its warmth. She groaned when she felt it run down her folders.

They laid there for a few minutes, catching their breath and letting their bodies come down. A large smile came across her face, kissing him over and over, not getting enough of the boy on top of her. She really liked him now. He set her on fire.

She giggled. "Colossal indeed."

* * *

**Dirty! Oh so dirty! ;3 No regrets here. Tell me how you feel about this chapter and if you liked how I just threw them together and called it good, lol.**

**-Jane**


	8. Chapter 8

**Oi vey...sorry for disappearing, took the munchkin to the great-grandparents and was gone all weekend. Though, I did have more time to think about the ending. Yes, this will come to an end, eventually. I am going to write as much as I can for this chapter and go from there. I can't promise it is going to be long, but I will try to get some where with it. Just hold the horses, 'ight?**

**The song for this chapter is Silhoettes by Monsters and Men.**

* * *

Ava and Bertholdt keep their relationship to themselves, though it became clear to Ava that Bertholdt had developed feelings towards her. The way he stared softly at her when they were with the others and how he found ways to touch her, for any reason made it plain as day that it was not a plutonic relationship to him. He also made sure that they made love often. He admitted to her one night that he liked feeling her under him and he would prefer they do it every night. It made her heart warm and her body quiver. She finally decided that she wouldn't kill any of them, though Reiner made that decision harder with each passing day.

But the nightmares never stopped and the memories came more frequently. They made Reiner and Bertholdt worry, but Ymir seemed annoyed when they happened. Though they were on good terms, the freckled girl didn't like how they made Ava cry or vomit. No one else but Bertholdt understood why she seemed so sick about the events when she was a titan, since she couldn't help it. But he was always there for her, comforting her.

She would be lying is she said she wasn't falling for him, but she was still tending the wound in her heart from Darius and she feared losing Bertholdt the same way, even if it was an irrational fear since Bertholdt would never age and she doubted he would stray towards another woman, but she really didn't know.

On one of the nights they spent in the barn, Ava finally couldn't take it any more. She laid with her back to Bertholdt, who was holding on to her back side tiredly. He had worked very hard. "Bertl." She bit her lip and looked back at him. He smiled tiredly and looked up, acknowledging her. "This is so stupid, but I am about to burst and die, so please, be honest with me, okay?"

He rested his chin on her shoulder. "You can't say anything stupid, Ava." His fingers stroked the flat plain on her stomach.

"No, it's just...I know we haven't known each other long and I'm trying not to be a stupid girl, but, I think I'm falling for you, pretty hard." She swallowed. His movements didn't stop. "I just want to know if...if I turn into a titan again, will you not, you know, go off...with any one else?" She curled up into herself. "I know that is really selfish to ask, but please..."

His arms wrapped around her tightly and he placed a soft kiss on her cheek, her naked back was flushed with his front, causing a bright blush to creep onto her face. "It's not selfish. I don't know of any one else I would want to wait for, so yeah, why not?"

She smiled and smacked his hand playfully, relief spreading thru her. "Thanks."

He laid back and sighed. "I don't mind."

* * *

Levi glared at Mikasa silently. She was going to get her way, no matter what.

The information they had received was too good to be true and Levi knew that the higher-ups were going to take action. They over through the government after all, so why not try to take on the titans in the human's territory? He was annoyed by the fact that some of his squad was so eager to move against a woman who was on their side. The Military Police wanted to action and they wanted it now. This resulted in a court hearing and no one saw eye to eye on the matter.

"If she is with the Colossal and Armoured titan, we need to move out now. Ymir is also with them. We can kill all 4 in one blow." Mikasa spoke again, looking Darius in the eyes. The older man who was presiding over the hearing and had to stay neutral to the situation, though the look on his face said he did not like what he was hearing.

The court contained only the higher officers in the military, including Jean, Mikasa, and Armin. Though Armin and Jean were sure that Ava was not the enemy, the opportunity they had to kill the others was too good of one.

"Levi, what do you think?" Erwin asked next to him in a hushed tone.

"Idiotic. We are going to get killed." Levi's foot tapped in annoyance. "But what else?"

Erwin hummed and watched the girl give a persuasive speech about taking down the enemy. "Do you still think Ava could help us?"

Levi's eyes hardened and his foot stopped tapping. "I don't _think_, I _know_." He stood up, silencing Mikasa with his actions. "Commander-in-chief. We have a veteran shifter out in those woods. If we just go in there, swing our blades to kill everything, we are going to loose a valuable asset."

"You said yourself. She killed humans for the hell of it, does that not mean anything to you?" Nile stood up, his fists balling at his sides.

Levi looked at him, his expression never-changing. "I am not afraid to play dirty. If we need to use titans to defeat the titan race entirely, I am not going to throw away the opportunity away." He turned toward the other military members. "What you shit for brains don't understand is that it is going to take human lives to win this war. Lots of them, just so a few of us can go on and live and repopulate the Earth. If we knew a way to defeat them, we would have already, so we need to explore options." He looked pointedly at Mikasa. "We need to use the enemy to defeat the enemy."

* * *

"We have to go, we have to go now." Reiner and Ymir flew into the house so fast that Ava and Bertholdt couldn't separate fast enough, but neither of their companions showed care or interest in them as they flew towards their supplies. Ava began to put out the fire and stuff some of the dried vegetables into a bag, not question the blond.

"What's happening?" Bertholdt helped Reiner grab some tools and weapons from the corner.

"They fucking found us. Those bastards found us. I don't know how, but they are right on our trail." Ymir strode past Ava and out the door. "Ava, horses, now!"

Ava looked at Bertholdt, who was looking at her with worry. She smiled to reassure him before following Ymir out the door. She easily caught up to the taller girl and helped her get the gate open. "Ymir, what happened?"

Ymir kicked a post, making one of the horses jumped. "I saw her, Mikasa, she is in the forest and she found foot prints, even after the damn rain!" She tried to contain her anger. "We maybe have 5 minutes before she finds this place. Reiner almost tipped them off to our location."

Ava grabbed a saddle and began to fasten the buckles. "Did he almost fall out of a tree?" She secretly enjoyed the vision of Reiner falling out of the tree, hitting his head several times.

"No. The dumbass was being to loud." Ymir said threw her teeth and saddled her horse.

Ava paused for a moment, her teeth baring in disgust. That figured. Like her and Bertholdt snuck off, Ymir and Reiner seemed to be missing more and more often. Ava shook the sight from her head. "Gross."

"So you and the giant can get it on, but we can't?" Ymir kicked a dirt clot at Ava's shoe.

"No, it is the Reiner thing." Ava shivered as she led 2 of the horses out of the pen.

"If you saw his dick, you wouldn't be messing around with Bertholdt." Ymir said smugly. Luckily, for Ava, the conversation didn't last any longer. The said boys ran from the house full speed and mounted their horses.

"We just need to put some distance between them and save as much gas as possible. Ride as fast as you can." Reiner looked back at the others before kicking his horse into a full speed run.

Ymir shot after him and Bertholdt came up next to Ava, grabbing her hand. "Don't get hurt and don't leave my side, okay?" He looked afraid and nervous, his face looking younger.

She cupped his cheek and smiled. "Same." She took off, pleased that her horse was faster than the others.

They rode for as long as they could. The horses were not breed like the military horses, therefore they did not last as long. Once they left the horses, they took to the trees, Ymir on Reiner's back.

"Do you see them?" Reiner called back to Ava, who looked around quickly before shaking her head. He nodded at her and kept going as fast as he could.

"How long do you think we can run from them? They are going to find us Reiner, you know that!" Ymir yelled at the back of the burly blond's head.

Ava looked at Bertholdt. He was going so fast and trying so hard to not show his concern. As much as she wanted to comfort him, she needed to concentrate on her surroundings. A flash of black and green made her swerve sharply and her shoulder hit a tree painfully. She cried out, alerting the others. She saw Bertholdt falter, but she shook her head. He gritted his teeth as he continued on.

Falling to a branch, Ava gripped her shoulder, hissing in pain as her face hit the trunk. "Damn it." She ground her teeth when she felt the warm trickle of blood come down the side of her face. She looked up to see Mikasa bee-lining it towards her. She pulled out her swords and held them up defensively.

"Hold up! She goes alive!"

Ava's eyes widened when she turned and saw the clean freak captain, annoyance plain as day on his face. "Levi..." She held a sword towards his direction, making sure that one was still pointed at Mikasa. "What's happening?"

He landed on her branch, a mere inch from her blade, his lips thin. "I was hoping you would lead us to them."

She frowned in confusion, not understanding him. "You used me?" Her grip on her swords tightened. "What..."

He sighed, using his hand to push her blade away. "Not really. I didn't expect you to find them, but when we got our suspicions, I knew that I would be able to find you."

She dropped her swords, her face turning white. Mikasa took the opportunity to take them out of her hands, restraining her in a tight grip. Ava kept her eyes on her boots, refusing to make eye contact with any one.

"Captain, they are getting away and fast." Jean landed next to the short captain. The look on his face when he saw Ava was conflicted.

_He got away. He isn't going to get caught. _Relief flooded her, making her bit her lip. He was angry, she knew. If they ever saw each other again, she was going to see one of those rare moments of anger from Bertholdt.

"Doesn't matter. We have her for now. They won't get far. We at least know how to get them next time." He looked back at Ava. "You need to come back with us."

* * *

**Holy Hannah Montana... *flinches inwardly for using any Miley Cyrus reference***

**Yes, Ava and Bertholdt are in wuv, but haven't fully admitted it to each other yet. Kinda sappy, ya know?**

**I'm thinking that they have been around each other for a month or so. I think I wrote it out like that, but I can't be sure. Who knows.**

**Leave me a review, telling me what you think!**

**-Jane**


	9. Chapter 9

**I am starting to get back into the groove of having a couple of stories at a time going. But, both stories have different formatting, so switching back and forth is effecting my other story, but in favor of this one. I will get there! I have faith. If you like this story, I have another one called What you deserve and it is an ErwinxOCxLevi, rated T. Only a few more chapters before either of them are done!**

**For those wondering what Ava looks like, here you go: ** art/SnK-OC-Ava-Perchov-491139323?ga_submit_new=10%253A1414471363&amp;ga_type=edit&amp;ga_changes=1&amp;ga_recent=1****

**The song of this chapter is Denial by I Break Horses**

* * *

"If you go back, you are going back on your own." Reiner paced around the clearing they had stopped in. "This is suicide."

Bertholdt stood up, adjusting his pack. "I am not going to leave Ava like we left Annie. I might be able to save them both. And what have we been doing the past 3 years, Reiner? Nothing but suicide missions."

"We can go back home! We have a life waiting for us!" Reiner protested, his fists balling at his sides.

The taller boy stopped and turned to his friend. "Maybe I don't want that life any more. What if we go back with out Eren? Do you think we will be welcomed back with open arms?"

Raising a fist, Reiner took a step towards Bertholdt. Ymir stood between them holding both her arms out. "Listen you dumbasses. No body but you guys know what is really going on here. Because she was with us, they are probably interrogating Ava pretty harshly. Annie is a lost cause. Unless she uncrystallizes, there is no way of helping her, she'll have to find her own way out." She pointed at Reiner. "And how would you feel if I was trapped like Ava was?"

He stepped back, anger obvious on his face. "You can't seriously agree with him."

"Answer the question! If some one you loved was captured, would you not give up everything and anything to get them back?" She turned towards him, as if shielding Bertholdt from his wrath.

His eyes fell from her's, body losing its tense composure. "I would." He looked at her. "That is why I agreed to go back for Krista, for you."

Bertholdt placed a hand on Ymir's shoulder, shaking his head. "I don't want to risk your lives, just mine. I can't...I can't leave her to fend for herself. She has already lost so much, I don't want her to lose anything else." He walked toward the door, looking back at his friends. "Go home Reiner and take Ymir with you, but I am going to go get Ava so I can take her home too. I don't care if I die, I deserved death a long time ago, but if I let her rot there, I deserve more than death."

Reiner closed his eyes, sighed deeply. He had never been with out Bertholdt. But he was right. If he wanted Ava, he had the right to go get her. "Just don't die, okay?"

* * *

Ava kept her eyes on the marble floor. Her hands cuffed behind her and the chains secured into the bar. She was now facing the entire military, Darius over seeing the court. She refused to answer any questions. She didn't know anything, so why bother?

"Being stubborn is not going to save you." Darius spoke calmly. "I asked you a question, I would appreciate an answer."

"I would appreciate it if you would let me go so I can just go live out my wretched life. I'm not an animal." She rolled her head. The place she was in made her uncomfortable.

Erwin looked at Levi, who was glaring at her. He was not enthused with her answers. Mikasa looked as if she was about to beat the answers out of her. Darius sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I cannot save your life if you cannot give me a reason too."

She yanked on the chain, making the sound of metal against metal silence the room. "Because I told you I needed to die a long time ago and all you did was give me to the Survey Corps! Do you understand what you are doing Darius? Look at me!" She cried and pulled the chains again. "I am not like Eren, I am not like Bertholdt and Reiner. I _cannot _control when I turn into a titan. I have my memories back, I know what I did. You loved me once. Tell me that you still love me enough to just let me go. Save your people from _me_." She felt tears sting her eyes and she tried to control her shaking. "I'm not afraid to die, so what are you waiting for?"

He stared at her with no emotions on his face, but in his eyes, she could see fear, sadness, and anger. She heard foot steps approach her. Mikasa pulled out a blade and pointed it at Ava. "Yes, commander, what are we waiting for." She pressed the blade to Ava's cheek before kicking her in the face. Ava grit her teeth. Damn she was strong. "Listen to me, titan girl. You are allies with those who have attacked humanity not once, but twice and cost thousands of lives. Why are you protecting them? Why are you chosing those monsters over your duty? Wasn't it you who said that you still serve humanity? Are you going to be a traitor too?"

Ava closed her eyes, shaking her head. The past couple of days she thought about Bertholdt. Was he okay? Was he hurt? Did he really make a clean get away? She was tortured by the thoughts. He killed people, innocent people, with a clear conscious. But after spending time with them, she began to see that there was something they loved they were fighting for. Many times she had heard Bertholdt and Reiner talk about going 'home'. Bertholdt wanted to take her there. He said she would be at peace. "I won't let you have him..." She whispered.

Strong hands grabbed her face and made her look into the eyes of the furious captain. "Don't make me regret what I did, Perchov. Who will you not let us get?"

She shook her head, tears falling down her face. "No, Levi...don't."

"Tell me!" He threw her head back and it made a painful crack against the metal pole behind her. She clenched her teeth in pain but didn't cry out.

"No."

He kicked her in the chest. "Tell me!"

She coughed, letting her head fall and her dark tresses matting to the blood on her head. "No! I can't! Stop it Levi!" She begged her friend. He was seeing red, she knew and he would stop at nothing to get what he wanted.

Another kick. "Do you want to die here? Tell us who you don't want us to get. Tell me why I should regret letting you go!" His fist connected with the right side of her head. "Tell me!"

"Enough!"

She gasped and hung her head. Hot tears mixed with blood and the pain was overwhelming. He was extremely strong. She looked up to see Darius moving towards them, waving a dismissal at Levi. She tried to move back, but the pole stopped her.

"Now, now Ava. I'm not going to hurt you." He pushed her hair out of her face and she held back a sob. She didn't know what hurt worse: her ribs or his gentleness. "Did you find another person to love?"

She clenched her jaw and turned away from him. She wouldn't betray him, she wouldn't live with herself if she did. "Stop..."

"Just because I am old doesn't mean you can't tell me things. I understood when you came back that you might move forward with your life. I am not angry that you did so." He said gently.

She shook her head, setting her jaw. "No."

She heard him sigh and the sound of shoes on marble. "Proceed, Levi."

* * *

The bruises and broken skin didn't hurt as much as her pride. In the past, she would have at least fought back. Levi finally gave up on her and refused to carry on with the interrogation. Both Jean and Mikasa offered to continue, but both the Military Police and the Survey Corps decided that it was pointless. She wasn't going to talk.

Musky smells of the jail cell made her nausous. She was the only one down there and the silence was worse than the screams of agony. She almost considered pounding her head on the wall.

Outside of her cell, sat the captain; legs crossed and brows in a deep frown. He wasn't going to leave with out some answers, no matter how long it took.

"I still have nothing to say." She mumbled.

"I still have nothing better to do." He retorted. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to the wall to stop the pounding headache. "I am super pissed off so I suggest that you start giving me the answers I want."

"Or what? You'll kill me? Oh please, do me a favor." She pressed her face into the cool stone. _P__ersistent little shit_...

"I'll kill him. I've itched to kill the colossal titan for a few years now."

She froze, her eye widening. _Oh God..._She turned toward the captain, her breath coming more quickly in panic. If any one could really kill Bertholdt, Levi was on the top of that list, Mikasa being the next one. "No."

"Stop saying that word or I'll make both eyes black and blue." He stood up and walked toward the bars. He rested his elbows on the cross bar and leaned forward. "What memory of yours have you convinced that you are the world's worst human being?"

She refused to make eye contact with him, her lip quivering. "Why are you still talking to me? You're pissed off, you regret letting me go, I get it. Why are you here?"

He sighed and scoffed at the webs above his head, whispering about how disgusting they were. "I told you: I'm tired of seeing my friends die."

"How can I be your friend? Am I really your friend? You had an ulterior motive to letting me go, you wanted me to find them. Am I or friend or a pawn?" She pressed her face back to the wall.

He stared at her, contemplating his words and she thought he was ignoring her after a while. "Because maybe I am humbled by the fact you don't think you're invincible. I like that you wanted to die simply because you didn't feel like the human population was safe. You didn't want to hurt those people. At the same time, you are annoying as all fuck."

She smiled and looked at him with sad eyes. "You too, clean freak."

He raised his brow slightly and shrugged off the jab. "But what you don't understand is that you are fooling around with humanities worst enemies. We know nothing about them and what ever intel you can give us may or may not make a difference."

Tired eyes stared at her dirty feet. She wanted a bath, a good meal, and strong, warm arms around her, sweet nothings whispered in her ear. _May or may not make a difference. Does that mean wether or not if you kill them? If they were like me, would you spare them? _

"I don't know much about them. They didn't talk to much about it. Bertholdt told me once that they have a village somewhere that consists of people like them and me. They were titans and then they ate someone with shifting abilities and so they became shifters as well. As for their motive, I deducted that they believe that they are doing it for the good of all. I don't know how or why, but Bertholdt is haunted by the lives he has taken, even if it doesn't seem like it. Reiner is more concentrated on getting home with Ymir." She looked at Levi, her voice cracking. "Levi, there is something more going on, they can't be killers just because they enjoy it. They are...just like me."

His eyes narrowed and his posture tightened. "You believe that? They broke the walls not once, but _twice _Ava."

"I know! But they aren't...they're not children. They are older than me and the way they talk is like how you and I would talk about missions. I swear Levi, in all my years of service, I know the eyes of a soldier determined to see a mission through. They aren't monsters. If they are, then you lied and I am a monster too."

Scoffing he turned, he crossed his arms. "Don't say shit like that."

"It's true!"

"Enough. I am going to bed. You'll be back in court tomorrow and you better at least speak up with out an attitude." He turned and walked down the corridor, his boots pounding against the stone floor.

She covered her face, choking on her sobs. _I will never let you have him._

* * *

**Yay for angst and saddness! Woot!**

**Only a few more chappies and the end will be near. Thank you to my reviewers, followers, and favoriters. I appreciate your time.**

**-Jane**


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry it took so long, I have a teething baby and work, plus my two other stories I have decided to do at the same time as this one. Those are the kind of choices I make in my life.**

_**FYI: There is mention of rape in this chapter. Please beware of this information and proceed to read with caution. **_

* * *

Bertholdt scaled Wall Sina, sweat running down the side of his face. Any minute now, he expected someone to find him, but to his surprise, he was alone on top of the wall. He looked down on the Capital, the lights below looking like stars.

"Ava..."

* * *

Reiner sat by the fire side, his eyes fixated on the flames dancing around while biting away on the wood they had collected.

"You'll go crazy if you keep thinking about the 'what ifs' and 'whys'." The female voice said from his side, her elbow jutting into his side.

He sighed and a deep growl resonated from his chest at her jab. He couldn't help it. Bertholdt was out there, _alone_ and on a suicide mission. He had come to terms he was not going to see his friend again. Reiner thought back on the day that Ava had spent with them. His and her bickering, Ymir becoming more playful, and Bertholdt...turned into a different man. He was more sure of himself. It also helped that he wasn't in the middle of a human crowd that would have his head if they had known the truth then. "I should have gone with him. It seems cowardly that I am here while he goes and dies for something he truly believes in."

Ymir shrugged and pressed her cheek to his shoulder. "It feels wrong and cowardly that Historia is on her own and I am not there beside her. Isn't that what humans do when they love someone?"

Something clicked in Reiner's head and he looked at the freckled girl. "That is why he left."

Brown eyes regarded him with a concerned look, as if he had lost it. "That made no sense."

Reiner shook his head and pressed a palm to his forehead. "I am such an idiot."

"Nobody is arguing with that."

"No, no, listen." Reiner stood up. "We knew they were fooling around. They barely could hide it, not to mention Bertholdt can't sneak around worth shit-"

"Get to the point, Braun." Ymir's eyebrow twitched. She didn't like it when people rambled.

He grunted and nodded. "I knew they were fooling around, but I didn't know that they actually had feelings for eachother."

Giggles erupted from Ymir as she slapped her knee. When she caught her breath, she looked up at the blond who was glaring at her. "You now just figured that out?"

"I'm not really an expert on these things." His lips thinned. "I don't just mean any feelings. I think...Bertholdt is in love with Ava."

Ymir smirked and hummed in amusement. "Figures. She loves him too, you can tell by the way they look at each other, ya know? Like the breathe for one another." Ymir's words drifted off and she cleared her throat. "I've been meaning to ask you, the other day, when you said you got Krista...for me, did you mean that? You did that out of love?"

His face heated up in a blush and he turned his head away in embarrassment. "Yeah...I really admired you back when we were cadets and you were determined to keep your friend safe, like I was with Bertholdt. I was really glad when you came to me that one night. I know when we go back home, maybe you and I can...you know, make a life together."

Ymir looked at him with wide eyes filled with awe. "You don't think I'm ugly?"

His head turned back sharply towards her and his frown deepened. "Who told you, you were ugly?"

She shook her head, a wide smile spreading on her face. She grabbed his hand and held it tight in her's. "Doesn't matter anymore. I got you."

* * *

Ava's injuries healed overnight.

After discovering that she was able to heal quickly, though not as quickly as the other titan shifters, it was decided that torture would be more suitable to milk out the information they wanted.

First it started with burning her flesh on her arms and legs, then her back, her stomach, and then finally, her more sensitive areas. Hangi over saw the torture, but she was not always there to supervise her subordinates actions.

She remembered why she hated the military police so much. They were corrupt, filthy pigs and they had no problem getting their hands dirty. They would take turns on her, each attack becoming more and more vicious, until it became down right inhuman.

There would be a guard on the look out while another attacked her, beat her, and then put her under him while he called Ava a 'filthy titan whore' and telling her that this was 'humanities revenge'.

She would stare at the ceiling, her eyes empty and her face slack. She could see Bertholdt sometimes and she even wished that he would fly in there and kill them all. She wanted those men who hurt her to feel her pain. Ava began to really think that she was more than a titan than she thought before.

But this time, this time they were caught and this time, they weren't going to get away with it. Some one heard her screaming.

Surprisingly enough, it was Levi who found them. Jean and Armin were with him and the two men that attacked her were arrested, but not before Levi had his run with them.

_He threw open the bars, his expression dangerous. He pulled out a knife and charged at the man who was on top of Ava, moving to fast for the man to react._

_Levi sliced open a nice wound on the man's cheek and when he rolled off of Ava, Levi put his dagger away and replaced it with his fists. Jean had already detained and dragged off the man's accomplice._

_When Levi was finished, he sat Ava up and tried to get her to respond to his voice. She just stared forward, not saying a word._

_"Perchov. Hey, talk to me. Armin, go get that shitty glasses! Why wasn't she here?" He mumbled the last part to himself and took off his jacket to cover Ava's lower half. "Hey, hey." He shook her slightly._

_She looked at his face slowly and with the same speed, she blinked. "And they call us the monsters."_

_Levi frowned and pushed her hair out of her face. "Every one, despite their species, is a monster. Some of us are just more so than the others."_

_Ava's eyes fell on the dagger at Levi's hip and without warning, she snatched it from its hilt. She fell back from Levi and before he could stop her, she began to stab herself repeatedly in her lower abdomen. When Levi finally got the knife from her, she struggled against him, screaming frantically._

_"Ava!" He held her wrists to her chest and pressed her back into his chest in a tight restraint. "Stop."_

_She began to sob. She was more than ruined. If Bertholdt ever came to find her and even if he was able to take her from this place, she was ruined. He would never want a ruined woman._

_Levi placed the jacket back over her and sat on the floor holding her, both getting soaked in blood._

_"They won't hurt you no more." Levi said in her ear._

_Ava laughed bitterly through her tears. "You're too late."_

After Hangi returned, Levi filled her in on the situation and the new commander went straight to work on finding all the culprits she could, stating that even humanity's enemies weren't even worthy of that.

Levi, without even asking permission, carried Ava off to his own personal quarters. Ava didn't even protest.

He sat her down in his bathroom on the toilet and rolled up his sleeves and grabbed a cloth, soaking it in warm water. While he let it soak, he helped Ava stand and removed the rest of her clothing. She didn't say anything about him stripping her down. She was so unclean already that he couldn't do anything else to hurt her.

Some of her wounds began to heal and scab over. By tomorrow, they would be gone and her body would be back to the way it was before.

As soon as the warm cloth touched her, Levi spoke. "I am going to wash you down before I put you in the tub. Let me know if I hurt you or touch you in a place you don't want me too."

She responded with a nod and with that, Levi set to work to scrub off all the men who had hurt her.

He started with her shoulders, working down her back. Once finished with that, he rinsed out the cloth and began to work on her legs and arms, as if putting off all the other places.

Her breasts had dried blood on them from when they bit her and when she stabbed herself. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the warmth of the cloth. She felt him hesitate when he moved to her abdomen. He was being so gentle...

"I get it now." She whispered, not opening her eyes. "You like me."

His hands didn't stop and continued to gently wipe away the dried blood on her belly and the front of her thighs. "Does it matter?"

She turned her head towards him and looked at him. "I belong to another man, but...I don't know if he'll want me if he knew..."

Levi's eyes hardened and his mouth turned down in a scowl. "If he rejected you because of what some fucking pigs did to you, then he is as bad as them."

She blinked back her tears. "And you?"

He turned her toward him and held out the cloth. "Do you want to wash the other parts?"

She looked at the rag and then back at him, as if she wanted to hit him. She shook her head. "It won't matter, I'll never be clean enough." She muttered as he pulled her closer to him and wrapped his arms around her.

"If you think this is your fault and that you will forever be ruined, you are a total idiot. Don't let them break you."

"Says the man who beat me only a few days ago." She rested her cheek on his shoulder and was surprised to hear his heart beat. She remembered listening to Bertholdt's heart after he would make love to her, the way it would boom in his chest would give her shivers.

He stepped back and washed off her collar-bone and in between her breasts. "I wondered what you would look like naked. Hoover is a lucky man."

He put her in the bath after that and scrubbed her down again. While scrubbing her nails clean, some one knocked at the door.

Levi turned his head in annoyance and glared at the door. "What?"

"It is commander-in-chief Zachly. I've come to see Ava."

Ava sat up in the tub, eyes wide and she grabbed Levi's hand while shaking her head violently. That was one person that could not see her like this, no matter what the situation was.

"He will come in here no matter what and if it isn't now, then it will be later." Levi stated. He stood up and wiped his hands on a towel. "Face the facts Ava, you have people who love you. You should stop taking that for granted."

She sighed and pulled her knees up, pressing her forehead into her knees as he left and his presence was replaced with another.

They were quiet for some time until she heard him move and felt a cloth run over her back. She turned her head towards the man sitting on the stool next to her. He didn't seem any different from any other time, but she knew underneath that he was boiling. He never had a tolerance for crimes like this.

"I don't want you to see this." She mumbled against her arm.

"That boy of yours, Bertholdt, I presume, is in the city. He was spotted last night. He will be in captivity shortly." Darius ignored her words.

She moved away from him and stared at him with wide eyes. "You're going to kill him."

He sighed and set down the cloth. "Captain Levi, Commander Hangi, Private Jaeger, Blouse, and Springer have vouched for your life. You can live on a parole of sorts, but _he_ will never have that option. You never attacked civilization like those three did. We will have to see about that Ymir girl when she is detained if we can put her on guard like you or execute her like the other two."

Ava dug her nails into her palms. "I will never forgive you if you kill him. At least hear what he has to say! You don't know why they did it! They could have loved one's held against them to do this, you don't know!"

"We are using your detainment as bait." Darius carried on. "The current events that just took place will be made public, so that he will hear and come to you. If he truly loves you, he will come."

Ava choked on any words and felt her body spring. She stood and quickly lashed out at Darius, planting her palm against his cheek. "You son of a bitch! How could you do that? The man I knew would have never done that!"

He looked at her with serious eyes. "I think I've told you that before."

* * *

**Meh, meh, meeeeh. Sorry for the rape thing. I know that is a terrible subject, but two more chaps and this story will be finished!**

**-Jane**


	11. Chapter 11

**I am so sorry guys, I have had medical issues and am on some pretty heavy drugs, so I am super high all the fricking time and in serious pain, so I haven't been able to write as much as I would like. I am at least going to try to give you guys a chapter, so you at least have SOMETHING while I work out the issues.**

* * *

The shame she felt couldn't drown the anxiety and fear that was swallowing her. Hange had insisted that Ava be brought back to her office and examined after the commander learned of her abuse. The way the woman looked at Ava made her think that she blamed herself for being an airhead and not noticing the signs. Ava felt bad for her, but it lasted only seconds as she was unable push aside her thoughts.

Bertholdt was in the city.

She felt tears prick her eyes as she laid there, being examined. The fingers the prodded her were gentle, but they still felt like fire place prods. Her heart banged in her chest painfully and her lip didn't stop quivering. That sweet boy...that sweet, sweet, beautiful boy. She couldn't bare the thought of him dying in the horrible ways they had planned for him.

Levi had asked her why she loved Bertholdt, even when she knew his sins. It seemed that no matter what, she couldn't bring herself to hate him. She would be hypocrite. "Because they were children who were given orders and they believe what they did was right. They can't help it." He didn't like her answer.

But he didn't want to leave her alone, despite Hange's warnings that the exam would be very thorough. Ava didn't protest. She didn't have the energy.

"I would rather die than lure him to his death." She said on the table, catching both Hange and Levi's attention. Hange pulling the sheet over her bottom half up, covering her.

"The fact is, is that he murdered hundreds of thousands people. He has committed crimes that no one can turn their backs to." Hange said in a sad tone. "He was such a good soldier. It is such a shame. I wish that we could just detain and study him, but the government won't have it."

Levi scoffed and left his spot on the wall, heading towards the door. "I have to meet with other officials and see what the verdict was on those bastards." He opened the door and stopped right before he closed it behind him. "He did what he did with a clear, cold blooded conscience. He wanted to do what he did."

Ava met his tired glare with her's. "You're wrong."

Hange sighed and Levi turned away, not willing to argue.

* * *

The counsel that was looking over Ava's case sat around a table, their nervous eyes flicking from one another.

Darius Zachly gave the order for an execution. Not just one, but two. Ava was sentanced to death for her crimes and the fact that she was a danger to those around her since she could not control her ability or her titan form.

They all looked at him with questioning glances, except Levi. He remained silent, since he was not of a position to argue. Bertholdt was an obvious sentance, but Ava was an innocent that coinsedently had an unfortunate case.

Darius kept his posture while delivering the sentances and going into detail of the damned's crimes. Murder, conspirancy, theft, and treason. Jean, Armin, and Mikasa sat near Eren, who were sitting in on the meeting on behalf of other Survey Corps leaders. Jean and Eren's faces were grief stricken, while Armin looked like he had seen a ghost. Mikasa remained herself.

"Those who object to these punishments on those who have committed crimes against humanity, say nay." Darius looked around the table. Eren looked at Jean and his lips thinned. Condeeming a friend/former friend was not easy.

What if Levi said nay? What if he argued? He felt his chest burn. He had never had love. He could of, with Petra, but even from the time he was small, love never found him. His voice was frozen in his throat, almost painfully so. He closed his eyes and remained silent.

"All those who agree to these punishments on those who have committed crimes against humanity, say yea."

"Yea."

* * *

Bertholdt sat on the box in the ally way. He was hungry and slightly cold. Fall was coming. Looking up at the sky, he felt his heart twist in his chest. The rumours in the market where gruesome. They had hurt Ava.

Gooseflesh pricked his skin and he shook, remembering the sad, bright eyes of the woman he loved.

Bertholdt had had crushes before, on Annie, but it wasn't as strong as what he felt for Ava. The moments they had spent together was short, too short. From the moment he met her, she offered him nothing but comfort while she fell apart on the inside. She had offered him a place next to her and finally as a mate.

That night Bertholdt had been tired, but sleep eluded him since he could see the faces of those he had betrayed. Was this mission worth losing what they had gained? He didn't think so, not any more. What was important to him was that Ava come back to him, alive. He didn't care if he died, as long as he was able to keep her safe and have her in his arms once more.

To comfort himself, he closed his eyes to remember a tender moment between them.

_Ymir and Reiner had spent the night away on a hunting trip, leaving the two alone. They had made love by the fireplace after dinner and afterwards, laid infront of it, warming their tired bones._

_"Do you think that we are bad people, Bertl?" Ava asked groggily, slight drool coming from the side of her face._

_He kept staring at the ceiling, Connie and Jean's faces coming to mind. "I am, that I know." He had hurt to many people. "I don't think you are though. You are a very kind and caring person."_

_She cracked an eye at him and raised a brow. "You know...those mushrooms in the pasture are not for eating."_

_He threw her a playful glare and rolled his eyes gently. "Reiner eats them anyway."_

_"Reiner eats anything." She rest her chin on his outstretched arm._

_He chuckled and rolled on his side so he could lay his arm over her waist. "Yes he does."_

_A small comfortable silence filled the room and Ava's legs became intertwined with Bertholdt's. As sleep came to Bertholdt, Ava's body removed itself from his heat and his eyes opened slightly to see her sitting upright, holding her knees to her chest. So strong, yet so vulnrable._

_A sniffle alerted him as her shoulders began to shake slightly and her head lowered to rest on her knees. He sat up quietly and pulled her into his chest, her body not ceasing its tremors._

_"We got married so young...we wanted to start a family and...a-and I disappeared. I left him behind. I came back and I knew, since I was gone so long, that he was not going to be the same, but...fuck, I completely lost him." She covered her face. "You must think I'm a cold hearted bitch."_

_Bertholdt's grip tightened on her and he ran his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp lightly to help calm her. "No." He said in a hushed tone, watching the fire dance in the hearth infront of them._

_She jerked back and looked at his face in bewilderment. "Why?"_

_He smiled softly. "This world is cruel, but the kindness and love you experiance is worth it." Ava's eyes squinted in confusion as Bertholdt took her hand and pressed it against his chest, above his heart. "And it would be idiotic of me to be angry about you mourning. How can I judge you for feeling human?"_

_Ava's shoulders sagged and her forehead rested on his shoulder. "Why do we call ourselves human?"_

_Bertholdt held her to him and rested his chin on the top of her head, taking in her scent and warmth. Her body was a temple he worshiped and she had him ensnared in her love. "Because I think it comforts us to feel like the lesser monster in this world."_

He would find her. They would go live their lives. He hoped that maybe he could marry her and give her a family, like she wanted, but her being alive and well would also be sufficient for him. As long as she lived, it would be enough.

* * *

**I am soooooooo, sooooo sorry. I have been in and out of the hospital and doing mommy and wifey and human things that I forgot to make sure I wrote. It took me 2 weeks to whip this out, so I apologize for it not being longer like I hoped.**

**Tell me what you think!**

**-Jane**


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